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goldhummin · #**221** (**permalink**) 07.17.2004, 12:06

Good laughs. Thanks I needed that!

lbrown59 · #**222** (**permalink**) 07.17.2004, 13:01

Quote:

Originally posted by goldhummin
Good laughs. Thanks I needed that!

glad you liked it

lbrown59 · #**223** (**permalink**) 07.23.2004, 16:11

The Power of Prayer

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you....if you want me to have any of those
delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, He answered my prayer...on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

lbrown59 · #**224** (**permalink**) 07.23.2004, 16:15

A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas
for the first vacation he had taken in his entire
working life. He checked into a downtown hotel,
but when he got to his room he immediately called
the front desk.
The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the
whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a
regular-sized bed."
The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed,
sir. You have to remember that everything's big
in Texas!"
The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a
draught beer. When he was served, he said to the
bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher.
I only asked for a glass of beer!"
The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer,
sir. You have to remember that everything's
big in Texas!"
When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought
out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the
farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as! big as my thigh,
the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and
this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat!
Where'd this come from?"
The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You
have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see
the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able
to squeeze something in, but after consuming all
that food and drink he needed to use the restroom
first.
The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the
first door on the right.
By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and
mistakenly went through the first door on the left.
He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the
swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to
the surface, he yelled out, "For gawd's sakes, please
don't flush!"
**************

lbrown59 · #**225** (**permalink**) 08.11.2004, 04:47

2 blondes are sitting on a moonlit bench talking and the one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther, Italy
or the moon the other blonde turns and says Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Can you see Italy??????????

lbrown59 · #**226** (**permalink**) 08.19.2004, 18:53

> We have all had dates . . . but this takes the cake.
>
> This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was on
the
> "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
> Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that
a
> woman had ever been on.
>
> The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely
> no question as to why her tale took the prize!
> Marilyn said it was midwinter . . . snowing and quite cold . . . and the
> guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no
> overnight).
> They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
> The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
> late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she
> gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
> They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
> middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
> did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
> there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her
> pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
> down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good
> footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
> herself.
> Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed
> was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about
> was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
> situation. Upon finishing however, she so on became aware of another
> sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered
her
> buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues
> frozen to ice cube trays immediately came to mind as she attempted to
> disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
> It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the
extreme
> cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her
> date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed,
> she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came
around
> the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
> then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She
> too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves,
> they assessed her dilemma.
> Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with
a
> real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
> cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
> Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place,
> both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as
> she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his
pants
> and pee her butt off the fender.
>
> As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down..or perhaps
that
> should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
>
> This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."
>
>
>