Stepfather from Hell!

After this, I wouldn't speak to him again. He sounds very mean and irrational.

 

WHAT AN ASS!

DANG!

 

Control freak that uses a damn car to control people. Are you sure you want your mom with this A-hole?

 

Do you really need the form...INTER-FAMILY TRANSFER, IS ALWAYS EXEMPT...

 

Can your MOTHER sign instead if you HAVE to have the form???

 

Yeah, where is your mother during all of this?

 

Calmest_LA,

How much are the taxes? I don't think you can do anything without hurting your mother further, you've lots of options if you want to do that, but I don't think you do.

I remember you original posting, would it be worth it to you to pursue what George suggested or just pay the taxes and finally be done with this? If I'm remembering correctly, you kept paying and paying and paying for a car that was never in your name and should have been paid off by the terms of the agreement, save your step-father from hell, yes.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm working on 40, and my mother's husband, actually they are divorced but she moved back in with him :-( , and your step-father are from the same neighborhood -- second flame on the left, take a right at the pitchfork! I tell you this because I'm not without compassion and empathy, as much as I wish my own mother would remove herself from that abusive situation, she's a bigger girl than me and entitled to make her own choices; we've all the blessed gift of free will.

So instead of all that I despise about him and how I wish I could make things different -- I focus on her and what makes her happy. Though I'll never understand her relationship or what she gets out of it, it still is her choice freely made, and she wants to be with him.

Instead of focusing on how to get back at him and ultimately your mother living with the consequences, can you be glad to be done with this, have a car that's finally in your own name and drive on down the high road?

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Sassy

 

I understand wanting to get revenge for how one thinks/knows they have been wronged. But I have found and with great patience I must add, that sucess is the best revenge. For as hard as that person tries to break you down and have you fail, when you suceed, that really ticks them off.

 

I have to agree with Sassy.

Pay the taxes, get out of his "power dynamic contract" (becuase this is the most critical thing you're dealing with) , and move on with your life.

 

I know this won't make me very popular, but the guy can't be all that bad if he helped you out in the first place.

Just pointing out that there is two sides to every story...although it sure doesn't seem to be nice of him to make you jump through hoops like this if that was not the agreement.


L

 

I know it seems expensive and unnecessary, but, my advice is to pay it and be done with it.

When I deal with the "father of my children" on financial issues, I usually tally out my mental health cost, and choose to absorb the cost of whatever he ought to be paying rather than making myself miserable over the confrontation ( Example: half of a prescription, nonreimbursed cost, is $7.50. Over a month's period of time, that equates to less than the cost of a coke a day. Is my mental health, positive karma, etc. worth 50cents a day not to pursue his contirbution? Absolutely! Used the same approach when he wouldn't pay his $400 for ortho for my daughter. My mental health is worth more than the anguish of dealing with a selfish and noncompliant person who makes promises and doesn't follow through. Please note however,there is a limit on this...he has been brought before the court for much bigger $$$ issues.)

I know the taxes on the car equates to bigger$$'s, but pretend they are on a 36 month note, and that you mental health in not dealing with this jerk ( and not involving your poor mom who seems to have her own set of challenges ) is worth XXX dollars per month to you.

May seem kind of corny approach, but it works for me.

 

But look what he got out of it..A perfectly paid car loan history on HIS credit report, and the benefit of all the overpayments, to apply to his own vehicle purchase. Plus he used this *favor* to strong arm her and her mother. He didnt extend himself at all, IMHO. He knew she'd pay the loan, so her Mom would be left alone. Maddening!

 

Oh I'm here reading. Lots of good opinions and advice flowing. If you were my patient, my long-term goals for you with respect to your stepfather would be these:

1) First, disentangle all financial alliances. If you were dependent upon him in some other way you haven't mentioned (and no, I'm not thinking of anything specific), then I would undo that as well.

2) Figure out what you have to do to metabolize and finally get past your rage regarding the guy -- even though the rage is surely justified. (Please note that I'm not saying you should deny the anger, etc. I'm saying a long-term goal would be to finally get past it. Any misinterpretation here is a prime example of why we don't do therapy via computer bulletin boards, lol.) The optimal condition for you would be to be able to think, "Yeah, he's a jerk, but amazingly I'm not angry or anxious about it. How about that. I'm amazed at myself."

3) Come to terms with the distinction between what you can control and what you cannot. (And I realize you know the difference consciously. I'm talking about unconscious motivation here that drives the behavior we see.) Obviously you cannot change your stepfather. You could call him a jerk ten times a day, and he'd still be a jerk. You could fight, claw, become tearful, do backflips, move, threaten suicide, or even go through with the suicide, and none of that would have any impact whatsoever vis-a-vis his jerkiness. The only thing you can change is yourself, and in this case I'm referencing your emotional response to this jerk in particular and possibly to jerks generally. Life is too short to waste another minute of your life feeling sadness, anxiety, or anger about some emotional retard out there. To the extent that you do continue to waste your time and emotional space on that guy, you are cheating yourself. The good thing is that you really do have the power to make a positive change in yourself.

4) Come to understand that your mother is an adult who makes choices and is responsible for those choices. It's terrible to see someone we dearly love suffer in an abusive relationship. I know the anxiety and worry involved because I've been there myself. On the other hand, I finally got to the place where I understood what had previously seemed so cruel and unthinkable to me, and that was this: The abused adult bore a significant amount of responsibility for deciding to put up with it through the years. This didn't mean she was RESPONSIBLE for his jerkiness. It just meant that she was RESPONSIBLE for not taking care of herself. And, by the way, taking care of yourself may mean simply learning to stand up to a big bully rather than straight out ending the relationship (although sometimes that is the only way).

5) Begin to develop some serious boundaries with respect to what is and what isn't your business regarding your mom's love life (or hate life, whichever is the life du jour -- keep in mind I'm not talking about sex). Then begin to draw some boundaries based upon those new realizations. The fact that you're writing emails to your mother commenting upon your stepfather being a jerk -- even though he is a jerk -- may (and I'm saying MAY, remember) suggest that your family enjoys some very fuzzy interpersonal boundaries where at least some of the people are well into the private business of others.

By the end of a year or two of this, you would find yourself to be way out of your parent's relationship -- to the point where you no longer even know if they've been fighting lately or not. And while this would seem strange, you would also find yourself feeling more serene more often.

CAVEAT: None of this may apply to your life at all. We're virtual strangers here, and you invited my stream of thought about something(s) and someone(s) I don't know personally. If you see something here that makes sense, great. If not, kindly discard and fo'get about it, lol.

Doc

 

People like jerko here do "altruistic" things like this all the time. Why? It places them in CONTROL. He knew right from the start that this "favor" was going to put him in a dominant position.

As for calmest_LA, she needs to pursue civil litigation against her stepfather. That should send an interesting wake-up call to the family.

RM

 

Yes, exactly. Hence my statement that she needs to bow out of his "contract".

No. This just prolongs the melodrama and forces him (and her mom, most likely, since she supports his "contract" by being with him) to do whatever it takes to prove that his "contract" is still the law - even if it means abusing the mom to get back at the daughter.

This is the kind of stuff you cut ALL strings to and simply walk away. Walking away and not looking back is the best wake-up call CalmestLA could give her family.


PsychDoc,


Thanks for the nice synopsis. I'm printing this out for my own use. Do I owe you a fee? And, if so, do you take credit??? Mine's good - lol!

 

I sympathize with any 37 year old who had to depend on his step-father to get himself a car. Even if the"step-father from hell" were the step-father from heaven, there would be unerstandable hard feelings between the two of you. One thing you might want to keep in mind while you are thinking about "getting even". If you hadn't made the payments, he would have had to ,to protect his (and your mother's) credit.The interest rate on the loan, plus the "extra " payments you made are likely still far less than if you had gone to a sub-prime lender.By the way, whose name was the car insurance in, and who was paying THAT?