If you have ever been to a Texas chili Cook-off you will be able to relate to this! See if you can read the whole thing without laughing! > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who > was visiting Texas from the East Coast: > > "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a > chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, > and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking > directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the > other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, > and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, > so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: > > Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili > > JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > seriously. > FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure > what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two > people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush > in more beer when they saw the look on my face. > > Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like > I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get > me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from > all the beer. > Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish > or other mild foods, not much of a chili. > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to > taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, > was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is > starting > to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an > aphrodisiac? > > Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, > adding considerable kick. Very impressive. > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. > Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead > and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind > me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her > that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from > bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm > burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges > asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! > > Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of > spice and peppers. > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. > Superb. > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that > slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. > I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! > > Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of > chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about > Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing > uncontrollably. > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I > wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the > world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili > which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like > shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what > killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through > the 4 inch hole in my stomach. > > Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili > > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, > not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not > sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a > really hot chili? > FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
I apologize if the curse words offended anyone, I didn't realize there were so many until after I posted it and re-read it. Sorry for being off topic
