A funny story to brighten your day

Discussion in 'Credit Talk' started by KHM, Oct 18, 2001.

  1. KHM

    KHM Well-Known Member

    If you have ever been to a Texas chili Cook-off you will be able to relate
    this! See if you can read the whole thing without laughing!

    > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who
    > was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
    > "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
    > chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment,
    > and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    > directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
    > other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    > and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
    > so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
    > Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    > FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    > Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    > JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    > seriously.
    > FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
    > what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
    > people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
    > in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    > Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    > I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get
    > me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
    > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
    > all the beer.

    > Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    > taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid,
    > was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
    > starting
    > to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    > aphrodisiac?

    > Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
    > Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    > and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
    > me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
    > that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    > bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm
    > burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
    > asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
    > Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    > spice and peppers.
    > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    > Superb.
    > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    > slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    > I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

    > Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    > chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
    > Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    > uncontrollably.
    > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    > wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
    > world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    > which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
    > shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
    > killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
    I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
    > the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

    > Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    > not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
    > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
    > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
    > sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted
    to a
    > really hot chili?
    > FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
  2. KHM

    KHM Well-Known Member

    I apologize if the curse words offended anyone, I didn't realize there were so many until after I posted it and re-read it. Sorry for being off topic :)
  3. IncomeHelp

    IncomeHelp Well-Known Member

    Still very funny and I enjoyed it. Makes me hungry!

  4. breeze

    breeze Well-Known Member

    I have heard those words before ;)

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