All Banks Merge into OmniBank

12/22/03 The Bush administration proudly announced today its approval of the merger of all banks into a new mega-banking institution to be called OmniBank. The bank will begin operations on February 1, 2004. The new super merger follows in the wake of the merger of Bank of America and FleetBoston.

Said an economic affairs spokesperson for the administration, "the merger will simplify efforts to combat terrorism. We will track all financial transactions through a linkup of Homeland Security Department and Omnibank databases."

Approximately 2.5 million banking industry workers are expected to lose their jobs. Those who keep them will work part-time in the interests of cutting costs. The new CEO, whose name will be picked from a hat containing the names of the current CEO's of the five largest banks, will received a salary of $100 million per year plus undisclosed benefits.

Consumer groups decried the merger expressing fears that the deal comes with no guarantee that consumers will be treated fairly. The Banking Industry Association in a written statement attempted to deflect that criticism. "We have been screwing our customers for years. We will continue to screw them in the future as we have done in the past. The merger will have no appreciable effect on the way we do business."

OmniBank will control 99% of US deposits plus a string of nines to the right of the decimal point too numerous to count. The sole holdout to the merger is the single branch Prairie National Bank in Pierre, SD which has $7,000 in assets and $300 in cash at the teller cage on a good day. John Ashcroft expressed consternation about Prairie National Bank's refusal to merge. "We will be watching them very closely", he said.