For Florida members only

Discussion in 'General Lounge' started by Karen, Aug 7, 2003.

  1. Karen

    Karen Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately too much of this is true.

    We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
    you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
    some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
    meteorological points

    (1) There is no need to panic

    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
    new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
    prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based
    on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
    three-step hurricane preparedness plan

    STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for
    at least three days.

    STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

    STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

    Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
    sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll
    start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items

    HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have
    hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy
    to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements

    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
    that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
    would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
    might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
    they got into the insurance business in the first place.

    So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which
    will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
    value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like
    used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated
    27 different home-insurance companies.

    This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company,
    under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and
    Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

    SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
    windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
    There are several types with advantages and disadvantages

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
    yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
    them yourself, they will fall off.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
    you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all
    up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be

    Roll down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
    and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
    will have to sell your house to pay for them.

    Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
    protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
    hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman
    says so. He lives in Nebraska.

    Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches,
    check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,
    patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution,
    throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a
    swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise,
    the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

    EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should
    have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you
    live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says
    "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an
    evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a
    major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic
    jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand
    other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

    HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a
    mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires
    that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the
    supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who
    gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will
    need the following supplies

    23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
    the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

    Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
    what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

    A 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

    A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
    a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to
    placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew;
    after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

    $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
    you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. Of
    course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
    near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
    by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
    slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over
    how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
  2. willgator

    willgator Well-Known Member


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