So a grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "you know, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Steve?" So a horse walks up to a bar. The bartender goes up to him and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?" Well, you wanted bar jokes. You didn't say you wanted good bar jokes.
Good one. My neighbor has a cup: 'One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR'. Even if this isn't funny, and even if this isn't a good joke, welcome to the board Ccollector
So we're sitting at a table near the bar one afternoon and the after work crowd starts rolling in for Happy Hour. One fellow looks like he had it pretty hard, probably another losing day in the market or something. Anyway, this guys sits down at the end of the bar and starts drinking. And then he just keeps on drinking. Pretty soon he's sort of lost in the Happy Hour crowd, sorta hunched over his latest round of some brown liquor with ice. At the other end of the bar is a tall woman in a sundress who is having a few herself. After a while, she takes a step back from the bar, raises her empty glass in the air, and ya know, we just couldn't help notiving that she doesn't shave her armpits, ya know?--and anyway, she bellows out, "WHO'S GONNA BUY A LADY A DRINK!" Instant silence filled the room. Finally the bleary eyed guy at the other end of the bar breaks the silence. He yells out, "Barkeep! Get the Ballerina a drink!" He pays for the drink and goes back to nursing his own. Pretty soon, the gal in the sundress steps back from the bar again, and again raises her empty glass in the air--and again we couldn't help but notice her hairy underarms-- and yells out, "WHO'S GONNA BUY A LADY ANOTHER DRINK!" which again silences the crowd momentarily and again rouses the sorry, sloshed guy at the other end of the bar. He again breaks the silence by belting out, "Bartender! Get the Ballerina another drink!" Pretty soon the guy at the end of the bar heads for the door. As he's shuffling past our table, I stopped him and said, "Hey, that was nice of you to pick up the tab on those drinks. It kinda broke up an awkward moment both times, ya know?-- One thing though-- I didn't understand what you meant about the Ballerina." He looks out through his bloodshot eyes and says, "Well, I figure any woman who can point her leg straight up in the air like that's gotta be a ballerina, right?" Say Good Night Gracie!
Another horse walks into a bar joke A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks around the room and notices there's a horse down at the other end of the bar, and right in front of the horse, there's a jar full of money. The guy says, "Hey, Barkeep, what's the deal with the horse?" The bartender says, "Well, we are having a contest -- the first person who can make the horse laugh wins all the money in the jar." The guy thinks about that for a minute, then gets up, walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear. The horse breaks out in hysterical laughter -- ROFLHAO!!!! The guy wins all the money. Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the same bar and sees the same horse with another jar full of money. Says to the bartender, "Hey Barkeep, what's up with the horse?" The bartender replies, "We're having another contest -- this time, whoever can make the horse cry wins all the money." The guy thinks that over, then asks the bartender if it is within the rules for him to take the horse outside for a minute. The bartender says, "Sure, go ahead." So the guy takes the horse outside, and when they come back in, the horse is sobbing as if his poor heart were broken. The bartender says, "Wow, buddy, looks like you won again. Would you mind, before you take the money and leave, telling me how you made the horse laugh and then cry?" The guy says, "Well, to make the horse laugh, I told him that I was hung better than him. Then, to make him cry, I took him outside and showed him."
Two little boys wake up one morning and the younger says to the older" you know, we are old enough to start saying cuss words". The older brother agrees and since he is the oldest he decided to go first. They go down to breakfast and the mom asks them what they want. The older brother says" I want some DAMN corn flakes". The mother yanks him out of the chair and gives him the beating of his life. She then sends him to his room. The mother then asks the younger brother what he wants. He says" I don't know but you can bet your ASS it won't be corn flakes".
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, You should know five things 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah...Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a shot of whiskey, then another, and then one more. Bartender sez, "What's the occasion there, fella?" Guy sez, "My first [act of oral copulation]!" Bartender: "Hey, congratulations on your first [act of oral copulation]! How about another shot?" Guy: "No thanks! If that doesn't get the taste out, then nothing will!" (rim shot) Let's hear it for wajaba, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Re: Another horse walks into a bar joke hadn't heard that one in a loong time - but I used to tell it too aarrff - dogman
