How to deal with errant banks

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2001 taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application for Authorized Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice.

Press buttons as follows:
1) To make an appointment to see me
2) To query a missing payment
3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home
7) To leave a message on my computer [to leave a message a password to
access my computer is required: the password will be communicated at a
later date to the Authorized Contact
8) To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 7
9) To make a general complaint or inquiry. The Authorized Contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody
Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual Contact will probably know it by
heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost,
a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page.

Inquiries from your Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my
time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the
matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't
come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief
and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of 2% of my balance or $50 (whichever is more) to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if
ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your humble client

 

Bluffing the banks

DLO64:

Yeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaa!

I finally found a way to bluff the banks too!

(LOL)

No, in fact, let's change that to
ROFLMAO

 

Re: Bluffing the banks

It was published in the New York Times and was actually sent to some bank by some unidentified customer of theirs. The bank thought it was so funny they sent it in to the New York Times who actually published it a while back.

I don't have the actual publication date.