Just For Chuckles

OBSERVATIONS . . .
>
> 1. Men are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs!
>
> 2 .I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".
>
> 3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
>
> 4.The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table
had an argument going.
>
> 5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these
days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
>
> 6.You know when you're sitting on a chair & you lean back so you're
just on two legs, then you lean too far & you almost fall over but at the
last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
>
> 7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they
notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing
they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
>
> 8.Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
>
> 9 .All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
>
> 10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 & a substantial tax
cut save you thirty cents?
>
> 11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
>
> 12.In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
>
> 13 .Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
>
> 15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
>
> 16.Doctors can be frustrating. You wait 6 weeks for an appointment and
he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."
>
> 17.You read about all these terrorists. Most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster 's Video - you're 2 days late & people
are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster's in charge of immigration.

 

ALL K-MART AND WALMART
STORES WILL BE CLOSED IN IRAQ.



THEY WILL BE REPLACED
WITH
TARGETS.

 

I THINK THIS WILL EXPLAIN WHY THE GOVERNMENT IS IN SUCH A
MESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
** ======= ==========****************
Oh we are a smart group...aren't we?????
>
>
>The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C.

>Travel Agent of 30+ years:
>
>
>I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair
>wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
>
>I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I

>started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information

>then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but
>Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
>stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is
>in Africa." Her response ... (click).
>
>A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
>did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was

>expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since
>Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
>looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
>
>I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England
>from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the
map"
>
>An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could
rent
>a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had
only a
>1hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he
>said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive

>between the gates to save time."
>
>An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was
>possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into
Chicago at
>8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but
>she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the
>plane went very fast, and she bought that!
>
>A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
>description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I
said,
>"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
>airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
>overweight, I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a
>minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back
and
>explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline
was
>just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
>
>A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
After
>going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
>California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>
>I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I
>know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which
he
>replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn
planes
>have numbers on them."
>
>A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have
>to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly
to
>Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
>
>A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in
>order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports I
reminded
>him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and
>never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough his
stay
>required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China

>four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
>
>A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go
from
>Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally
the
>agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you
>have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with
"I'm
>sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't

>find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone
>knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state
of
>New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's
it!
>I knew it was a big animal", she said.
>
>Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!
>
>


*************************************** ************

 

http://www.akaresults.net/adam/springershow.htm

funny

LB 59

 

http://www.frozeninfire.com/signs/

 

A Policeman pulls over a Cadillac that just ran a stop sign.

COP: "Sir, I need to see your drivers license and registration."

DRIVER: "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

COP: "You did not stop at the stop sign."

DRIVER: "I slowed down, looked both ways, saw nobody coming, so I went through the intersection; besides, what's the difference?"

COP: (starts tapping the driver on the head with his baton then asks) "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only to bring back one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!"

"You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year, and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."

Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

So they loaded up, and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space, and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.

His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake, and replied,"Oh I guess about 100 yards farther than last year."

 

How do you know the car you just bought is a lemon?

1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Joe's towing.

3. You get a free set of booster cables with every car purchase.

4. The hood has a special push-button device for quick and easy opening.

5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

6. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.

7. A tow truck follows you everywhere you go.

8. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."

LB 59

 

<< Subject: SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?



Hey Dad," My Son asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food
when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing
 up." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "We ate at home," I
explained.  "My Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work,
we all sat  down together at the table, and if I didn't like what she
put on my plate I  had to sit there until I did like it." By this
time, my Son was laughing so  hard I was afraid He was going to suffer
some serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
 had to get my Father's permission to leave the table.
Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I
had
figured his system could handle it.
My parents never: wore Levi's, set foot on a golf course, traveled out
of the country, flew in a plane or had a credit card. In their later
years  they had something called a "revolving charge card" but they
never actually used it. It was only good at Sears-Roebuck. Or maybe it
was Sears and Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. My
parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was because soccer back
then was just for the girls. We actually did walk to school. By the
 time you were in the 6th grade it was not cool to ride the bus unless
you lived more than 4 or 5 miles from  the school, even when it was
raining or there was ice or snow on the ground. Outdoor sports consisted
of stickball, snowball fights, building  forts, making snowmen and
sliding down hills on a piece of cardboard. No skate boards, roller
blades or trail bikes.
We didn't have a television in our  house until I was 12. It was, of
course, black and white, but you could buy a piece of special colored
plastic to  cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky,
and the
bottom  third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was
perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across
someone's lawn on a  sunny
day.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Sam's Pizza at the
East end of Fruit Street in Milford. My friend, Steve took me there to
try  what he called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof
of my
mouth  and the cheese slid off, swung down and plastered itself
against my chin. It's still the best pizza I ever had. Pizzas were not
delivered to your house  back then, but The milk was. I looked forward
to winter because the cream in the milk was on top of the  bottle and
it would freeze and push the cap off. Of course us kids would get up
 first to get the milk and eat the frozen cream before our mother
could  catch us.
I never had a telephone in my room. Actually the only phone in  the
house was in the hallway and it was on a party line. Before you could
make a call, you had to listen in to make sure someone else wasn't
already using the line. If the line was not in use an Operator would
come on and ask "number please" and you would give her the number you
wanted to
call.
There was no such thing as a computer or a hand held calculator. We were
required to memorize the "times tables."  Believe it or not, we were
tested each week on our ability to perform mathematics with nothing but
a  pencil and paper. We took a spelling test every day. There was no
such  thing as a "social promotion." If you flunked a class, you
repeated that grade
the  following year. Nobody was concerned about your "self esteem." We
had to  actually do something praiseworthy before we were praised. We
learned  that you had to earn respect.
All newspapers were delivered by boys
and most all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered the "Milford Daily
News" six days a week. It cost 7  cents a paper, of which I got to
keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had to collect the  42 cents from my
customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me  50 cents
and told me to keep the change. My least
favorite customers were  the ones who seemed to never be home on
collection day.
Movie stars kissed  with their mouths shut on screen. Touching someone
else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they just didn't
do  that in the movies back then. I had no idea what they did in
French movies. French movies were considered dirty and we weren't
allowed to see them. You  never saw the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers or
anyone else
actually kill  someone. The heroes back then would just shoot the gun
out of the bad  guy's hand. There was no blood and violence. When you
were sick, the Doctor  actually came to your house.  No, I am not
making this up. Drugs were something you purchased at a pharmacy in
order to cure an illness.
If we dared to "sass" our parents, or any other grown-up, we immediately
found out what soap tasted like. For more serious infractions, we
learned about something called a "this hurts me more than it hurts you."
I  never did quite understand that one? In those days, parents were
expected to discipline Their kids.  There was no interference from the
government. "Social Services" or "Family Services"
had not been invented (The ninth and tenth amendments to the
constitution  were still observed in those days.) I must be getting
old because I find  myself reflecting Back more and more and thinking
I liked it a lot better back then. If you grew up in a  generation
before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories
with your kids or grandchildren. Just don't  blame me if they wet
themselves laughing. Growing up today sure isn't  what it used to be
in my day.

 

Children of the Eighties Unite
----------------------
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up-what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways
through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their
backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family
from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I
was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had
it
and how easy they've got it!

But......

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so damned easy!

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a freakin' Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today...you don't know how good
you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. We wanted to know
something, we had to go to the LIBRARY and look it up ourselves!

And there was no e-mail! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with
a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it
in the frickin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! We wanted to steal music, we had to
go to the record store and shoplift it ourselves! Or we had to wait around
all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the
beginning and f*** it all up!

We didn't have fancy sh** like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy
Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was
-- it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug
dealer -- you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation or "X-Box" videogames
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked butt! Your
guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were
no multiple levels or screens-it was just one screen...forever! And you
could never win! The game just kept getting harder and faster until you
died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of
you, you were screwed!

And sure, 2% of us had cable television, but back then that was only
like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And 98% of us still had
to use one of those God-awful, frustrating antennas that you would bend
and
twist into every conceivable configuration AND wrap the ends with
aluminum
foil and still not get a clear picture! And UHF!!! Need I say more?!?!?!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
morning...D'ya hear what I'm saying?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you
spoiled
little brats!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy.
You're spoiled, I swear to God!

You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!!!!!

LB 59

 

<< The best way to get even is to forget.
&gt; * Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
&gt; * God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
&gt; * Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be
maintained
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp; on earth.
&gt; * Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.
&gt; * Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous, you will get
knocked
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp; down by the traffic from both ways.
&gt; * Words are windows to the heart.
&gt; * A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall,
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp; claims it's a forgery.
&gt; * A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp; right person.
&gt; * The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
&gt; * The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.
&gt; * To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp; prisoner was you.
&gt; * You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp; its neck.
&gt; * If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet
&gt;&nbsp;&nbsp; the water bill is higher.
&gt;
&gt;

 

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 

A new travelling salesman was making the rounds with a veteran salesman. The veteran told him that a few miles up the road there was an Indian reservation and this old Indian that remembers EVERYTHING that ever happened to him.

They stopped in, found the old man and the veteran salesman told the rookie, "Go ahead, ask him something."

Rookie: What did you have for breakfast January 3rd, 1943?

Indian: Eggs.

Rookie: Oh big deal, anyone could have said that...

They drive away.

A few years later, the rookie is now a veteran and finds himiself near the reservation, so he stops in. He finds the old Indian man, raises his right hand and says, "How."

Indian: Scrambled.

 

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
probably just your dad."

 

"Hello there," said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this!"

Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a big smile, "why... I'll eat it right up!"

At this, the little girl turned and left the room.

"Where you going, kid?" called the salesman, "To find your mom?"

"Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a plate and a spoon... 'cause we don't have any electricity!"

LB 59