Just For Chuckles

An old cowboy from Colorado visited his son who lived in Washington,D.C.. When Sunday came around he found a church and went in just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old cowboy was leaving the church,the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would. He was still visiting with his son when the next Sunday came and he showed back up for the services at the same church wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear to this church. He says... He's never been here before

 

_A LETTER FROM A CHRISTMAS VALLEY, OREGON FARM KID, NOW AT_ SAN
DIEGO_MARINE_CORP_RECRUIT DEPOT
_
_Dear Ma and Pa,
____I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that
the_Marine_Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join
up_quick_before maybe all of the places are filled.
_I was restless at first because you got to
_stay in bed till_nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell
Walt and Elmer_all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some
things. No_hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to
lay._Practically nothing._Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm
water.
_Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon,etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie_and
other regular food.
_ But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
_between_two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you
till_noon, when you get fed again.
__It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on_"route"_marches,
which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he_thinks so,
it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march is_ about as far as
to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and_we all ride back
in trucks._
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a_schoolteacher.
He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors_and_Colonels just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
___This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
_I keep_getting_medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near
as big as a_chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you, like
the_Higgett_boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it._You_don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
___ Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You_get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real
easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm_
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over
in_Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm
_only 5'6" and 130_pounds and he's 6'8" and
_weighs near 300 pounds dry.
___Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other_fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
_________Your loving daughter,
_ Gail

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
> > and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
> > dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to
> > their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
> >
> > The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
> >
> > The second said," I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
> > house."
> >
> > The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
> >
> > The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
> > Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very
> > well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the
> > entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to
> > pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but
> > it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the
> > parrot will recite it."
> >
> > The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her
> > Thank You notes. She wrote:
> >
> > "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
> > have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
> >
> > "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries
> > delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
> >
> > "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
> > hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and
> > I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
> > same."
> >
> > "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
> > little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
> >
> >

 

If I don't know how to count can people hold me accountiable for my actions?

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

 

Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming
from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite
out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it
on the kitchen table and when I came back from the
bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and
I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell
me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Called: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher:
How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on
my tires and...
well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher:
: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started
having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police. ><- <>- ><- <>

 

Road trip...
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her......."While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

>>

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted
>by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner "Good morning," said the
>young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to
>demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
>
>"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to
>close the door.
>
>Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
>
>"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
>
>And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
>
>"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
>Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
>
>The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite,
>because they cut off my electricity this morning. "

 

Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite
fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him.
"All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home," I explained. "Grandma cooked every
day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the
dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I
was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going
to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part
about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a
golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In
their later years they had something called a revolving charge card.
The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND
Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly
because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed
probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my
grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and
white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third
was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for
programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn
on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV
to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie."
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid
off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that,
too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in
our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was
in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could
dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know
weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers
were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I
delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of
which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning.
On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My
favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to
keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who
seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French
kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they
did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't
allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may
want to share some of these memories with your children or
grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December)
and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top
was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what
it was, but Kati had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it
a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the
end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't
have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the
ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really OLD
friends



><- <>- ><- <>

 

Subject: SOUTHERNISMS
>
> Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
>
> "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch"
>
> "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
>
> "Have a cup of coffee--it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
>
> "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
>
> "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
>
> "He's as country as cornflakes."
>
> "This is gooder'n grits."
>
> "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
>
> "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy
it."
>
> I'm 'bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking
chairs.
>
> NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH:
>
> Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it
> shortly.
>
> Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can.
> Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
>
> If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic Four men in the cab of a
> four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
> shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way This is
what
> they live for.
>
> You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the
> positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find
it
> yourself.
>
> Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural
> possessive.
>
> Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
>
> Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
> you, either.
>
> The first Southern __expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
> vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol
> truck", or "big ol boy". "Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store",
is
> 2nd. And "Y'all" is 3rd
>
> As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in
> the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a
> John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that
vehicle.
>
> If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of
his
> way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still,
that
> you will ever hear.
>
> Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In
fact,
> if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you
may
> rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
>
> If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
> eating.
>
> The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
>
> If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
> minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
> grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It
is
> just something you're supposed to do.
>
> Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it
is
> positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in
mind
> that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore,
> be prominently displayed.
>
> Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense
>

 

The One dollar bill

A torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.

The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean."

Gee," said the one-dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."

So where all have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the fifty?"

"Well, I've been to ..

the Methodist Church,

the Baptist Church,

the Episcopal Church,

the Presbyterian Church,

the Lutheran Church,

the Catholic Church,

the Orthodox Church,

the Assembly of God Church,

the Brethren Church,

the Quaker Church,

the Pentecostal Church,

the Charismatic Church,

the Mennonite Church,

the Church of Christ..."

"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?

 

Subject: Cute Kids

Teachers should especially enjoy this!

Innocence and honesty of kids!

1. "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small
boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took
the lad aside to correct him. Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

2. One morning, a grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson. He
had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men
in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV- "The best part of waking up is
soldiers in your cup!'"

3. Susie asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture, which showed four people
on an airplane. So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy. "I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph,
and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person? Oh, that's
Pontius-the-Pilot."

4. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven? "The boy thought
it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy come
in, or stay out.'"

5. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back, "said one youngster. No,"
said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument
to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."

6. Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful,"
said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue."What's the
matter?" asked Johnny. "You giving up?"

 

NO OFFENSE INTENDED.....



She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

 

having a bad day

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad
diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest.

The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at
the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, and then the next, he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Still think you're having a bad day

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along ss it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the
paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper
towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man eturned home looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.

About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.

The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the he how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full
view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and ran through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

 

The White House

An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr.Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and,again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr.Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow."

 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22 By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.2. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

 

Recall cute


Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 WEST VIRGINIA EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of WEST VIRGINIA.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
the commands. The WEST VIRGINIA EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN THE WEST VIRGINIA EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the WEST VIRGINIA EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer


We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the WEST VIRGINIA EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.



I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

 

Weather Forecasting
>
> It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
> Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a
> Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
>
> When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be
> like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
> winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
> should collect firewood to be prepared.
>
> But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went
> to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
> coming winter going to be cold?"
>
> "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist
> at the weather service responded.
>
> So th! e Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
> firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National
> Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very
> cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
> "it's going to be a very cold winter."
>
> The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
> scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the
> National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter
> is going to be very cold?"
>
> "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
> going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
>
> "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
>
> The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

Geriatric Humor
>
> A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she
> wanted to know,
> "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my
> life?"
> "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
> There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
> wondering, then,
> just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO
> REFILLS'."
>
> -----------------

 

Subject: Thank you all !



Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important email in 2003!

Thank God you included me in your quest to inform!
Thanks to all of you:
Because of those emails;

* I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell awful, but thank God I stopped using deodorant because it causes cancer.

* I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that
someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill
from Africa with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with
no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I now don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my
kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital.
Funny thing, she never seems to get any older .

*I quit shampooing my hair because my brand of shampoo, Clairol, Herbal Essence, has an ingredient in it that will
give you skin cancer.

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from somebody...



IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1000 people in the next 30 seconds, a bird will
crap on you today at 7:00 pm.


BELIEVE IT!

 

Subject: Farm Wages
A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."
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