Just For Chuckles

LAWS

Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.

Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Martin's Law of Meteorology: The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

Ehrlich's Law: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed
in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life." The
child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"

##############

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was
running as fast as she could, trying not to be late
for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late!" While she was running and praying,
she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
herself off, and started running again. As she ran
she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

###############

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they
give him $50."


The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."


The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

##############
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,
she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.

##############

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would
you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said,
"Call for backup."

##############

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small
child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

##############

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds. After
explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

#############

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny
responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."

###########

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after
hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the
other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your Dad.

 

http://newfunpages.com/taxform.php3

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RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE TICKET AGENT

(After surviving 130,000 calls from the traveling public)



I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than 130,000 conversations--all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling"--I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.



I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, and from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities).



In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the word "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere!





In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh...is it a big place?"



I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.



I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"



I remembered the strict training we had received--four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior--and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, "it's tough out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself.



Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"



Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket Macon, GA.

 

The Lawyer
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass? "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."! The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"



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BUMP

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

Are you still laying there in your CraftMatic ?

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

Message


I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down
the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had
fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and
I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my
finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you
stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and
said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.

The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."

A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"

The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."

************************

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
" Yes it is," bartender answers.
" Do you have huge golden doors?"
" Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
" Most certainly do."
" What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

IT'S A-COMIN'

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in
Abilene, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing
through from Oklahoma City. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Fort Worth
for the livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab
student from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners
learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls
into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside
is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still
no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't
played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

Subject: Senior Citizen Letter

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration, I had an extremely
good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several
vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for
the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost
virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the
authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they
arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election .

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is
back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush
Administration.


Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely,
Sadaam Hussein

.

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

Subject: mechanic


> A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was
deserted
> and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car
> started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him
> sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see
> if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately,
> he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the
> engine, feeling despondent.
>
>
>
> As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed
that
> he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.
>
>
>
> Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel
> pump."
>
>
>
> The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood.
> "Who said that?" he demanded.
>
>
>
> There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was
amazed
> when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it
> with your flashlight, and try it again."
>
>
>
> Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key
> and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks
to
> the horse and screeched away.
>
>
>
> When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey,
> please!" he said.
>
>
>
> A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
> "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
>
>
>
> "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the
> rancher.
>
>
>
> The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you
say?
> Was it by any chance a white horse?"
>
>
>
> The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
>
>
>
> "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because
the
> black horse don't know shit about cars!"
>
>
>

 

Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping the neighbor will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um...no...um...what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some really sick people out here!!"

 

> Plane Talk
> Heard over Airline Speakers!
>
> On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat
> "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
> "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
> and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
> your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
> flight attendants."
>
> Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say:
> "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If
> you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have."
>
> Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your
> lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.
> So pay attention!"
>
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
> you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
> enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a
> stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the
> loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
> After a particularly rough landing during
> thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
> Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> landing like that, sure as hell everything has
> shifted."
>
> From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome
> aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your
> seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
> pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
> and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
> probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
>
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
> will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
> the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
> small child traveling with you, secure your mask
> before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
> with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
>
> The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's
> speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees
> with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them
> fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
> Airlines."
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the
> event of an emergency water landing, please use them
> to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home
> with our compliments."
>
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in
> the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
> mouth and nose before assisting children or other
> adults acting like children."
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
> your belongings. Anything left behind will be
> distributed equally amongst the flight attendants.
> Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
> airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
> attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
> them are on this flight!"
>
> Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines
> flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton,
> Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I know what
> you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't
> the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
> wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was Air
> Canada."
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
> Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
> day: During the final approach, the captain was really
> having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
> the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
> your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
> what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
> perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
> as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
> A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few
> years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong
> crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship
> onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline
> had a policy, which required the first officer on the
> flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers
> disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying
> our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of
> the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the
> passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments
> that might result. Finally there was only one little
> old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the
> aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first
> officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
> question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
> it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
> Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
> Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
> against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
> and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
> door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
> the terminal."
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
> "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
> today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
> go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
> tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."
>
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
> reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
> made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
> gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
> Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
> should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
> back and relax. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
> after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
> intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
> sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
> you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot
> coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should
> see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach
> yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
> mine!

 

What Words REALLY Mean

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.





----------------------- Headers ------------------------ >>

 

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES in 2035
CASTRO FINALLY AT AGE 112
Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but
President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

IRS SETS LOWEST TAX RATE AT 75%

George Z. Bush will run for President in 2036


OZONE CREATED BY ELECTRIC CARS
Now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world , California.


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language


SPOTTING OWL PLAGUE
THREATENS NORTHWESTERN US CROPS & LIVESTOCK.

BABY CONCEIVED
NATURALLY
SCIENTISTS STUMPED!!!!!

Last remaining fundamentalist Muslim dies
in the American Territory of the Middle East (Formerly known as Iran, Syria Afghanistan and Lebanon).

NORTH KOREA STILL CLOSED OFF
Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before Radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


POSTAL SERVICE RAISES PRICE
of First class stamp to $17.89 and reduces Mail Delivery to Wednesday only


35 year study
Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss!


FLORIDA VOTERS STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE VOTING MACHINE.


SUPREME COUNT RULES PUNISHMENT OF CRIMINALS VIOLATES THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS.


Massachusetts Executes Last Remaining CONSERVATIVE.

AVERAGE HEIGHT OF NBA PLAYERS NOW NINE FEET SEVEN INCHES.

New federal law requires
that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


CAPITAL HILL INTERN INDICTED
FOR REFUSING TO HAVE SEX WITH CONGRESSMAN.