Saddam calls Bush on 11th sept: Saddam: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...It was not us... Bush: What buildings? What people?? Saddam: Oh, and what time it is in America now? Bush: It's eight in the morning. Saddam: Oops...Will call back in an hour! Bye bye. * * * * * * The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
YEAR'S WORST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors LB 59
Ice Fishing: >> Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that >was >> too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the >> Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. >> >> Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest >> between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much >> talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice >> fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle >> things. >> The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. >> >> After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest >> would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be >no >> observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this >> remote lake and return daily with their catch for >> counting and verification. >> >> At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and >he >> has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone >assumes >> he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will >> catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with >20 >> fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. >> >> That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I >> think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out >> tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he >> is cheating in any way. >> >> The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton >says >> to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?" >> >> "He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"
Guilty of Murder A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenseâ??s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didnâ??t." The END ************************* LB 59
Three Blonds >Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told >them that >before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. >The first >blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give >thanks and >eat turkey." >St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. > >The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and >exchange gifts." > >St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. > >The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with >the Jewish >festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples >when he was >betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the >cross and >eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large >boulder." > >"Very good!" exclaimed St. Peter. > >Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder >and Jesus >comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." > >St. Peter fainted _______________________________________
<< Behaving Like Angels The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead." >> Final Exam Maxine, the platinum blonde, reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of her purse. She started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "N" for tails. Within 30 minutes she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Maxine frantically started flipping the coin again. The moderator, concerned about what she was doing, stopped by her desk and asked if she was ok. "Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago--but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!" If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number. The END ************************* LB 59
<< A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with >him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. > >About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and >ask >him to get out of the car and walk the line. > >Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery >taking >place in a house just a block away. > >The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back >and they >hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. > >The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets >there, >he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come >looking >for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. > >A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is >there and >his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed >with the >flu and has been so all day. > >The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she >asks why. >They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens >the door >where they find the police car, lights still flashing. > >True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. >> The END ************************* LB 59
One Liners Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion." If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? To make a long story short, don't tell it. If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Forbidden fruits create many jams. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!" God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. He who angers you, controls you! If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats! Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty! The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. We don't change the message, the message changes us. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
******************************************** > > > > > > > > > Pastors Wifes Dress > > > > > > > > > The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the > > > receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he > > > exclaimed. > > > > > > "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the > > > dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was > > > whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy > > > it.'" > > > > > > "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell > > > him, "Get behind me, Satan!" > > > > > > "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back > > > here, too!" > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine > > > were good for you. > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment > > > turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > Getting Married In Heaven > > > > > > > > > On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car > > > accident. > > > > > > The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for > > > St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to > > > wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? > > > > > > When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. > > > This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he > > > leaves. > > > > > > The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. > > > > > > While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get > > > married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect > > > of it all. > > > > > > "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together > > > FOREVER?" > > > > > > After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat > > > bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in > > > Heaven." > > > > > > "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things > > > don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" > > > > > > St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. > > > > > > "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter > > > shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have > > > ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer? > > > > > > > > > > Shoe Size > > > > > > > > > A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. > > > > > > The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or > > > eleven-and-a-half." > > > > > > "Just bring me a size eight." > > > > > > The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and > > > stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost > > > my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran > > > off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son > > > just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home > > > at night and take my shoes off." > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > I knew a blonde that was so stupid that she sold her car for gas money. > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > Pennies From Heaven > > > > > > > > > Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm > > > spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. > > > Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy > > > said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. > > > > > > "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" > > > > > > Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like > > > to you?" > > > > > > Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God > > > responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A million years to > > > me, Jimmy, is like a minute." > > > > > > "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" > > > > > > "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." > > > > > > "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous, can I have > > > one of your pennies?" > > > > > > God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! In just a minute." > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > >
Re: Doc:This Ones 4 U A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans." ************************ >> The END ************************* LB 59
Re: Doc:This Ones 4 U In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
Re: Doc:This Ones 4 U In a message dated 2/27/03 5:28:20 PM Pacific Standard Time, .com writes: << ******************************************Pastors Wifes Dress > > > > > > > > > The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the > > > receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he > > > exclaimed. > > > > > > "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the > > > dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was > > > whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy > > > it.'" > > > > > > "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell > > > him, "Get behind me, Satan!" > > > > > > "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back > > > here, too!" > > > > > > > > > ****************************************** > > > You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine > > > were good for you. > > > > > > > > > **************************************** > > > Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment > > > turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. > > > ****************************************** > > > Getting Married In Heaven > > > > > > > > > On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car > > > accident. > > > > > > The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for > > > St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to > > > wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? > > > > > > When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. > > > This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he > > > leaves. > > > > > > The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. > > > > > > While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get > > > married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect > > > of it all. > > > > > > "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together > > > FOREVER?" > > > > > > After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat > > > bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in > > > Heaven." > > > > > > "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things > > > don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" > > > > > > St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. > > > > > > "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter > > > shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have > > > ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer? > > > Shoe Size > > > > > > > > > A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. > > > > > > The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or > > > eleven-and-a-half." > > > > > > "Just bring me a size eight." > > > > > > The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and > > > stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost > > > my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran > > > off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son > > > just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home > > > at night and take my shoes off." > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > I knew a blonde that was so stupid that she sold her car for gas money. > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > > > > > > > Pennies From Heaven > > > > > > > > > Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm > > > spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. > > > Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy > > > said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. > > > > > > "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" > > > > > > Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like > > > to you?" > > > > > > Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God > > > responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A million years to > > > me, Jimmy, is like a minute." > > > > > > "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" > > > > > > "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." > > > > > > "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous, can I have > > > one of your pennies?" > > > > > > God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! In just a minute." > > > > > > > > > ******************************************** > > > The END ************************* LB 59
Subject: The WORD Subject: never doubt the power of scripture!!! An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. > As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." > > > > > "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!" > > > > > > PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO > NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY! >
Subject: A Smile for Monday...... The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Kids Are Great An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decoratingthem with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles." ********************************************** After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" ************** A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" ************** My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. ************** A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." ************** I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" ************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." ************** Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!" ************** When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." ************** When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four." ************** A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change'y' to 'i' and add 'es'. ______________________________________________ >> The END ************************* LB 59
<< Subject: Call My Mom >> >> >>Inspection Teams.... >> >> >> Have you noticed anything fishy about theinspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. >>A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the >>front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining >>laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if >>a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free all summer. Inspectors my a--. You want the job done? Call my mother. > >> The END ************************* LB 59
I've said that if I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the Army. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy, we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor's newspaper and pee). If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain-teaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. The army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing they'd want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
