Quote of the day: "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
Fwd: A few statements... some not to be taken too seriously!!! >No one is listening until you make a mistake. > >Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else. > >Never test the depth of the water with both feet. > >It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to >others. > >It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without >your help. > >If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably >worth it. > >Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to >frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack that jerk >upside the head. > >The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who >got there first. > >Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. > >Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! > >Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. > >If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. > >Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad >judgment. > >A closed mouth gathers no foot. > >Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it >holds the universe together. > >I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. > >Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > >There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. > >Never miss a good chance to shut up. Generally speaking, you aren't learning >much when your mouth is moving. > >Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. > >Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger >stick. > >Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That >way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and_ you have their shoes. > >If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? > >Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. > >
Subject: Bible quiz passed on to me from a priestly friend..... Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. Ruthless Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun >>
The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis. They have plenty of rackets...but no balls!! God bless America!!
Subject: DO NOT MISS This http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1070686118 http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1070686118
Subject: NEW LEXUS > >> > >> A blonde bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that > >the radio didn't work. > >> > >> The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. > >> > >> "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" > >> > >> The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" > >> > >> "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the > speakers. > >> > >> She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, > >"Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, > >"Beatles!" > >> she'd get one of theirs. > >> One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him. "ASS HOLE!" she yelled..... The French National Anthem began to play. The END ************************* LB 59
this is a good one >One man from West Virginia..... > >A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a >voice call from behind a sand dune. "One man from West Virginia is better >than ten Iraqis." > >The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune >whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and >then, silence. > >The voice once again calls out "One man from West Virginia is better >than one hundred Iraqi." > >Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the >dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of >battle, again, silence. > >The Rebel voice calls out again "One man from West Virginia is better >than one thousand Iraqi." > >The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the >other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets >and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then >silence. > >Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune >and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more >men......it's a trap. There are two of them.
love this! This is what a computer is supposed to do! Click on this link below and then type in your first name... http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html The END ************************* LB 59
Here's one for you LB > > Subject: Now this is a good way to start your week What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Here's one for you LB Hic-up......jus herd dis one tunit....wile drinkin Irish coffies. As we all know, our Pres. gets a lot of criticism every day..... Pres. Bush and the Pope were out fishing together when the Popes hat blows off. Well George walks across the water, picks up his hat and returns it to the Pope. Headlines the next morning...."Our President can't even swim."
Here's one for you LB Blame The Computer!! Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age? A: Loss of memory. Q: What does a baby computer call his father? A: Data. Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? A: The space bar. Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor? A: It slipped a disk. Q: Why was there a bug in the computer? A: It was looking for a byte to eat. Q: What is a computer virus? A: A terminal illness. Q: How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cthedral? A: He clicked on an icon and opened a window
Here's one for you LB You Gotta Love The Elderly! > > A pastor goes to a nursing home to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is > sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. > As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one > after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. > He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your > peanuts." That's O.K," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. > Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put em back in > the bowl." > The END ************************* LB 59
Here's one for you LB Quick Quiz! ------------ The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager". The questions are not that difficult. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old. The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner! Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? >> The END ************************* LB 59
Here's one for you LB Senior Romance > >An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband > >was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted > >to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were > >courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a > >second, then tried to get back to sleep. > > > > > >A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." > >Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on > >the cheek and settled down to sleep. > > > > > >Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my > >neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out > >of bed. > > > > > >"Where are you going?" she asked. > > > > > >"To get my teeth!"
Here's one for you LB How to talk to a Telemarketer My brother got a call from a woman about a craftmatic bed. She said they had a special deal on them just for trying one out. After she finished her spiel he asked her if she was going to help him try it out. "He told me she hung up on him the instant he said that. Says she didn't even say good by or anything.'' The END ************************* LB 59
Here's one for you LB << Joke of the Day A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" >> The END ************************* LB 59
another one ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box. His dad says: "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?" To which his son replies: "Because there's no Baghdad" The END ************************* LB 59
And another Mustard The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
