And another Notice to people who visit my home. 1. The dog lives here...you don't. 2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point? 4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog. 5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his. 6. I like him a lot better than I like most people. 7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son, who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, doesn't speak clearly, and hates cats. I have no problem with any of these things. 8. dogs are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups!
Q. What do you get if you cross an egg with a vacuum cleaner? A. I have no idea, but I bet it's messy. -- Q. What day does an egg hate the most? A. Fry-days. -- Q. Do you know how to find the Easter bunny if he was lost? A. Make a noise like a carrot; he'll find you.
Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. The END ************************* LB 59
>Donations > > > >A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Chicago, came to a dead stop in > >traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic is a lot worse than > >usual. Nothing's even moving, must be a bad accident." > >He noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of > >cars, so he asked, "Officer, what's the hang up?" > >The officer replied, "Jesse Jackson is so depressed about all of the > >Chicagoans making him the butt of jokes, he stopped his car in the middle > of > >the freeway and is threatening to douse himself with gas and set himself on > >fire. He says that so many companies have stopped giving money to the > >Rainbow Coalition that he's having to support himself and his women on less > >and less. So we're helping to take up a collection for him." > >The broker asked, "Really? How much have you got so far?" > >The officer replied, "About 4-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still > >siphoning." > >
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great...... just great.....Some *******'s got my pen."
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. What do you think that means?" "That means we're Pisscopalians."
Women and cats do as they like. Men & dogs had better get used to it. Purring cats and glowing fireplaces make winter bearable... Radioactive cats have 18 half lives. Raining cats and dogs is better than hailing taxis. He who doesn't like cats doesn't like pets smarter than he. I took my cat in for a cat-scan. Diagnosis? It was a cat. ================================================ Husband to wife: I've put up with that interfering old hag for 10 years - your mother will have to go! Wife to Husband: My mother? I though she was *your* mother =================== Q. What do you get when you eat Uranium? A. Atomic Ache The END** *** **LB 59
A little late, but funny anyway. >> >> How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? >> Nobody knows, they've never done it. >> >> The French have just ordered a new national flag. >> It's a white cross on a white background. >> >> Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysées? >> So the Germans could march in the shade. >> >> Where do you find 60 Million French jokes? >> In France. >> >> What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup >squad? >> A Wonderbra has decent support - and a cup. >> >> Define confusion: Father's Day in Paris. >> >> What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? >> Philippe Flop >> >> What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French >> army? >> To say "I surrender" in German, Vietnamese, and Maghrebi Arabic. >> >> Why was Jesus not born in France? >> Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. >> >> Jacques Chirac walked into a bar with a parrot on his head and the >> landlord >> said: "How did that happen?" The parrot said: "It all started as a >> little pimple on my butt." >> >> Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris? >> Because every time they go off, people start trying to surrender. >> >> Why do the French eat snails? >> It gives them speedy reactions. >> >> What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf? >> The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells >> better. >> What's one of the shortest books in the world? >> A complete history of French War Heroes.
Missed Ferry ------------ This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?" "Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock." THE END ** *** ** LB 59
________Adopted? --------- Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?" "Yes, they are!" I answered proudly. "They adopted?" he asked. "Yes," I replied. "I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small." _______________
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." THE END ** *** ** LB 59
A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Subject: Fw: Picabo > > > > > The female skier, Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) > > > This famous Olympic skier, Picabo Street, is not just an athlete, she is a > nurse. > > > > She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan > hospital. > > She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply > too much > > > confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU. > > > > > A good clean joke is hard to find these days --- pass it on! > > >
Thoughts of Life > > 1- The early bird still has to eat worms. > > 2- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose > fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't > have signed up in the first place! > > 3- The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. > > 4- Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to > tell the difference. > > 5- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could > simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? > > 6- Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you > haven't fallen asleep yet. > > 7- My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think > that's what she said. > > 8- Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but > they can in prison? > > 9- If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have > started with something called labor! > > 10- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. > >
Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their re-released with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience....a few unforgetable titles you can't help but remember.... Herman's Hermits --"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones --"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Credence Clear water Revival --"Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye --"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who --"Talkin 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs --"Bald Thing" Carly Simon --"You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees --"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack --"The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash --"I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations --"Papa Got a Kidney Stone" ABBA --"Denture Queen" Leo Sayer --"You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores --"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem --"A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles --"I Get By With a Little Help From Depends" THE END ** *** ** LB 59
Yea for the U.S. Ranger!! An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back. So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back...... Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Agri - Cows How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows. NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad. RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them. HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them. CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers. >>
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN... *The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. *The trees are whistling for the dogs. *The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. *Hot water now comes out of both taps. *You can make sun tea instantly. *You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. *The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. *You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. *You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. *You actually burn your hand opening the car door. *You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. *Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" *You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. *The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. *Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. *The cows are giving evaporated milk.
My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!" ****************************** http://www.memail.com/fotos/index.htm *************************************************** One Liner! "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees" ********************************** 1) What car did TV's Archie Bunker recall fondly in "Those Were The Days," the theme song of the sitcom All In The Family?" - The LaSalle. He sang, "Gee our old LaSalle ran great." 2) Where does the Barbie Doll get its name? - It was named after Barbara Handler, the daughter of its designer Ruth Handler. 3) In 1937, the grocery business was revolutionized by Sylvan Goldman's simple invention. What was it? - the shopping cart. 4) In what country is the most remote weather station located? - In Canada. Its Eureka weather station is 600 miles from the North Pole. 5) What is the largest living invertebrate? - The giant squid, which achieves a length of more then 60 ft - tentacles included. **************************************Amish Carriage -------------- While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ..... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust. ******************************************** The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS? It means that five people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop complaining and get back to work. ------------------------- THE END ** *** ** LB 59
