TV anchor woman Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked a few feet behind their husbands. In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said, "This is marvelous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that enabled women here to achieve this total reversal of roles?" "Land mines," replied the woman. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WHO BREWS THE COFFEE? Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says....... " HEBREWS" *****************************
Optimist and the Pessimist --------------------------- Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?" The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he? ***********************************
The Doctor's Visit A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight." THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
The Secret ----------- A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?" *************************************************************************************** Talking About Others -------------------- young mother was riding the bus with her four year old boy when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus could hear, "Look mom, see that man's nose, it looks soooo funny!" The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then she whispered to him that if there was something he wanted to say about someone then he had to wait until they got home or at least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be sad. A moment later the boy blurted out in the same loud voice, "Look mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when we get home!" THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
[][] Jogging Shoes -------------- Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far." Please Pronounce ----------------- Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Tatamagouche, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr ..... gerrrrrr ........ Kiiiing! The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner! A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
The Bacon Tree Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days...and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so, " the old man said, "But I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere. The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jewish people -- they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish man. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me." The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy..... vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through. "Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree." "It vuz a ham bush!"
Nervous Flyer -------------- I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines." THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse. Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.
Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King." >> The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner! "Every man should have a college education in order to show him how little the thing is really worth." -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915), American author, "A Message to Garcia" THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Bass Fishing ------------ Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds." Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting." ------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.memail.com/fotos/indexB.htm ========================================= Differences Between You and Your Boss... When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough... When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy... When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human... When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative... When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm... When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original... When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative... When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business... When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill... When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked... ~~~~~~~~```````````~~~~~~~~~~~``````````````_____-----------------~~~~~~ THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
About Sums It Up Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf. ---------------------------------------------- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ---------------------------------------------- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ---------------------------------------------- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. --------------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. --------------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ---------------------------------------------- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. --------------------------------------------- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then ... Oh my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down! ---------------------------------------------- If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?? ---------------------------------------------- And best of all.... I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'""
http://www.memail.com/fotos/index.htm Letter From Camp ----------------- Dear Mom & Dad: We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? ========================= The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner! Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Lawyer Fees ------------ A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
NEVER SAY TO A COP 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
http://member.compuserve.com/atplay/dumbpeople.jsp http://member.compuserve.com/atplay/dumbpeople.jsp THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Subject: FW: Wisdom from the first grade!!!! >>> >>>A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child >>>in >>>her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the >>>remainder of the proverb. >>> >>> >>>It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. >>> >>>Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind >>> >>>That these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is a >>>classic! >>> >>> >>> >>>Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader. >>> >>> >>> >>>Strike while the ..........................bug is close. >>> >>> >>> >>>It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time. >>> >>> >>> >>>Never underestimate the power of............termites. >>> >>> >>> >>>You can lead a horse to water but...........how? >>> >>> >>> >>>Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty. >>> >>> >>> >>>No news is..................................impossible. >>> >>> >>> >>>A miss is as good as a......................Mr. >>> >>> >>> >>>You can't teach an old dog new..............math. >>> >>> >>> >>>If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning. >>> >>> >>> >>>Love all, trust.............................me. >>> >>> >>> >>>The pen is mightier than the................pigs. >>> >>> >>> >>>An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax. >>> >>> >>> >>>Where there's smoke there's.................pollution. >>> >>> >>> >>>Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents. >>> >>> >>> >>>A penny saved is............................not much. >>> >>> >>> >>>Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers. >>> >>> >>> >>>Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed. >>> >>> >>> >>>Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow >>>your >>>nose. >>> >>> >>> >>>There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder. >>> >>> >>> >>>Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded. >>> >>> >>> >>>If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries. >>> >>> >>> >>>You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on >>> >>>the box. >>> >>> >>> >>>When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way. >>> >>> >>> >>>And the favorite: >>> >>> >>> >>>Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a > > mistake. The average person can't. > > > > This is this cat > > This is is cat > > This is how cat > > This is to cat > > This is keep cat > > This is a cat > > This is dumbass cat > > This is busy cat > > This is for cat > > This is forty cat > > This is seconds cat > > > > Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and > > I betcha you can't resist passing
