Just For Chuckles

You are just a hopeless romantic.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Morris and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?"
Morris leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
>>

 

Work for an operator
---------------------

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators
had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the
Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff,
please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the
B fell off.

* * *

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.

Operator : Where are you calling from?

Caller : The living room

* * *

Caller : The water board please.

Operator : Which department?

Caller : Tap water.

* * *

Operator : How are you spelling that?

Caller : With letters.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.

Operator : Do you have his name?

Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

* * *

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.

Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

* * *

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming
up the window to write the number on.

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Prison Versus Housewives
------------------------
In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your
kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and
mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your
kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out
and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his
latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote
control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons
thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for
free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and
Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able
to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions
of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit,
talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and
clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just
hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too,
and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order
to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how
long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's,
and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you
and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse
and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses
asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because
you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

One Liner!

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

THE END ** *** ** LB 59
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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the one who
said,"Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Thoughts for a Friday..... Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for
weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. Some have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these
Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas,
some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two
days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should
put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

 

SUV Drivers' Licenses

http://member.compuserve.com/autos/package.jsp?name=autos/suv_license1

THE END ** *** ** LB 59
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Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

Quotes of companies

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and
statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it
for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining &
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive,
FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow
to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

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The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner!

Gambling: A way of getting nothing for something


THE END ** *** ** LB 59
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Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

1) How many times per second does a mosquito beat its wings?

2) If the angles of a pentagon are equal, what are they - in
degrees?

3) How many quarts of milk does it take to make one pound of
butter?

4) Where in a wine shop will you find coiffes?

5) What are the five most frequently consumed fruits in the
United States?

 

Re: Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

Trivia Answers
--------------

1) How many times per second does a mosquito beat its wings?

- up to 600

2) If the angles of a pentagon are equal, what are they - in
degrees?

- 108 degrees. Such a pentagon is called a regular pentagon.


3) How many quarts of milk does it take to make one pound of
butter?

- Almost 10 - 9.86 to be exact.

4) Where in a wine shop will you find coiffes?

- On champagne bottles. The coiffe is the metal wire contraption
that holds the champagne cork in place.

5) What are the five most frequently consumed fruits in the
United States?

- The bananas, apples, watermelon, orange and cantelope - in order
of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug
Administration.

 

Re: Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

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Re: Re: Re: Just For Chuckles

Subject: Pretty Good
While walking down the street one day a female head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met
by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with
you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of
state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her
to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and
she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance
is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other
politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in
evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They
play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also
present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time
to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state
joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing
the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it,
the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would
never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down
to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The
Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"

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L B 7283

 

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The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner!

In 1901 Stockings were first sold, and there was a run on them

 

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on
top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll
cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is per visit."

"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let
me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the
psychiatrist.

"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for !"

"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

West Nile virus made its first appearance this summer from mosquito
bites in South Carolina. It alarms California health officials. The
disease causes brain cell death and listlessness, which means it could
go undetected for years in Los Angeles.

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IF you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who
> >once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
> >stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
> >
> >His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and
> >amusement Here are some more of his gems, some you may have heard, but
> >always funny!
> >
> >I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
> >
> >Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> >
> >Half the people you know are below average.
> >
> >99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> >
> >42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> >
> >A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
> >
> >A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> >
> >If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
> >
> >All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
> >
> >The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
> >
> >I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
> >
> >OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> >
> >How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
> >
> >If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
> >something.
> >
> >Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> >
> >When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> >
> >Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
> >
> >Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
> >
> >I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
> >
> >If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> >
> >Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> >
> >What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> >
> >My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
> >louder."
> >
> >Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> >
> >If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
> >
> >A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> >
> >Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
> >
> >The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
> >
> >To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
> research .
> >
> >
> >
> >The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> >
> >The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
> >
> >
> >
> >The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
> >

 

Q. What happens to a rabbit after it falls into chloroform?

A. It becomes an ether bunny.

 

The Cost Of It
--------------

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a
bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make
that much as a lawyer!"

The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I
was a lawyer."


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A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
>
>She tells the salesman:
>
>"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my
>computer screen."
>
>The surprised salesman replies:
>
>"But, madam, computers do not have curtains"!!!....
>
>And the blonde said:
>
> "Helloooo.... I've got Windows"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>
>
>

 

Government Efficiency

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a
desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night. So they
created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people,
one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired
two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer,
then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So
they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year
and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

THE END ** *** ** LB 59
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