Stress Test http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress/01.htm THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Not To Be Outdone ----------------- As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!" http://www.memail.com/fotos/index.htm Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. THE END ** *** ** LB 59 Stress Test http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress/01.htm """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Never contribute to malice what is adequately explained by stupidity. Now back to LB 59 all the time!
auto accident Have you ever been in an auto accident and said something stupid to the cop who took the report? 1. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. 3. I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it. 4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 6. The guy was all over the rode. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. 8. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 8. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. 10. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. 11. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. 12. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 13. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
what a difference a century makes. YEAR OF 1903: This ought to boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1903, one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes. Here are the US statistics for 1903.... The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47). Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home. Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. Canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US. Just think what it will be like in another 100 years from now. It boggles the mind..........
what a difference a century makes. http://www.suite101.com/files/mysites/AskAlice/Clock.htm This is so cool. These computer geeks never fail to amaze me! ================================ Atomic Clock >>> Here's a chuckle for you....Have a great day. >>> Due to budget cuts under the current administration the Atomic Clock run >>> By the Naval Observatory has been drastically changed to reduce >>> expenses. To view the new clock actually working click below. >>> >>> http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html >>> THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
THE HAIR CUT > > > > > >A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. > >He asked his father, who was a Minister, > >if they could discuss his use of the family car. > >His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with >you. > >You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, > >get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it." > >After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father > >if they could discuss his use of the car. > >They again went into the father's study where the father said, > >"Son, I've been very proud of you. > >You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, > > >but you didn't get your hair cut." > >The young man waited a moment and then replied, > >"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. > >You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, > >Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." > >The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked." THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Subject: BRAIN EXERCISE Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so....... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.....OK, relax, clear your mind and....begin. =========== 1. What do you put in a toaster? The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions ?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4. 4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land" ? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question. 5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question. 6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, >six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU, you dummy...the very first line says that you're driving the bus). Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they do better than you did --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**A Well Planned Life** Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?" "Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go." >>
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime." "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"
>This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the > > > > >Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. > > > > > > > > > >This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before > > > > >you get to the response letter. > > > > > > > > > >SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm > > > > >County > > > > > > > > > >Dear Mr. DeVries: > > > > > > > > > >It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental > > > > >Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the > > > > >above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the > > > > >legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized > > > > >activity: > > > > > > > > > >Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the > > > > >outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the > > > > >start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files > > > > >shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department > > > > >has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, > > > > >Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental > > > > >Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections > > > > >324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. > > > > > > > > > >The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams > > > > >partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and > > > > >flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature > > > > >are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department > > > > >therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this > > > > >location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by > > > > >removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream > > > > >channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than > > > > >January 31, 2003. > > > > > > > > > >Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so > > > > >that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our > > > > >staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further > > > > >unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being > > > > >referred for elevated enforcement action. > > > > > > > > > >We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this > > > > >matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have > > > > >any questions. > > > > > > > > > >Sincerely, > > > > >David L. Price, District Representative > > > > >Land and Water Management Division > > > > > > > > > >**************************************** > > > > > > > > > >Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries--- > > > > > > > > > >Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. > > > > > > > > > >Dear Mr. Price, > > > > > > > > > >Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to > > > > >respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 > > > > >Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process > > > > >of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the > > > > >outlet stream of my Spring Pond. > > > > > > > > > >While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, > > > > >I think they would be highly offended that you call their > > > > >skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like > > > > >to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam > > > > >project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can > > > > >safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, > > > > >their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam > > > > >persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. > > > > > > > > > >As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they > > > > >must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of > > > > >dam activity. > > > > > > > > > >My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate > > > > >against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers > > > > >throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are > > > > >not discriminating against these particular beavers, > > > > >through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies > > > > >of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been > > > > >issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of > > > > >Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and > > > > >Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, > > > > >being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled > > > > >Laws, annotated. > > > > > > > > > >I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers > > > > >entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers > > > > >are financially destitute and are unable to pay for > > > > >said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a > > > > >dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of > > > > >the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is > > > > >proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is > > > > >required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring > > > > >Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam > > > names. > > > > > > > > > >If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow > > > > >condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to > > > > >arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam > > > > >letter, they being unable to read English. > > > > > > > > > >In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build > > > > >their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is > > > > >green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I > > > > >do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural > > > > >Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it > > > > >should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment > > > > >(Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, > > > > >this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action > > > > >right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may > > > > >be under the dam ice then and there there will be no way for you or > > > > >your dam staff to contact/harass them then. > > > > > > > > > >In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real > > > > >environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the > > > > >bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely > > > > >believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the > > > > >beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, > > > > >watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) > > > > >Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to > > > > >contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this > > > > >response to your dam office. > > > > > > > > > >THANK YOU. > > > > > > > > > >RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS > > > > >
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay ............the restauranteur Guday...............the half-Australian brother Huray...............the sports fanatic Sashay..............the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother Sayhay..............the baseball player Ojay................the stalker/murderer Gulay...............the singer/entertainer Ebay................the internet czar Biliray.............the country music star Ecksray.............the radiologist Puray...............the blender factory owner Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother Tupay...............the one with bad hair Among the sisters: Pusay...............the 'loose' 22 yr old Lattay..............the coffee shop owner Bufay...............the 300 pound sister Dushay..............the clean sister Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway............the grocery store owner Ollay...............the half-mexican sister Gudlay..............the prostitute More will no doubt be discovered.
Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""''' P S Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!" THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
