What this thing called Money It can buy a House...............But not a Home It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep It can buy a Clock................But not Time It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge It can buy you a Position......But not Respect It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health It can buy you Blood............But not Life It can buy you Sex..............But not Love So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.............. So send me all your money.......... And I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE!!! Thought this was gonna be one of those "inspirational" ones, didn't you???? >
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES? A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!" *************
> Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to > keep > > the pilot and passengers > > cool. > > What, you don't believe this? If it stops, watch them start to sweat! THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class they would start the day with the pledge of allegiance; he instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.. "When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right side of his bottom. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
I don't even have to ask my sister if this is a hoax or is for real. Thought you might like to know about this new very bad virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton and Mcfee cannot take care of this one. ( It appears to mostly affect those of us born prior to 1960. ) 1. It causes you to send the same e-mail twice 2. It causes you to send a blank e-mail 3. It causes you to e-mail the wrong person 4. It causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent one to you 5. It causes you to forget to attatch the attatchment 6. It causes you to hit "send" before you've finished 7. It causes you to hit "delete" instead of "send" Virus This very bad virus is called C-Nile Virus
* Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out...........? * Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves...........? * What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"? A blonde at a flashing red light...........? * Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain, and the top is down."..........? ===================================== 31 Reasons to Buy a New Car A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel. That plaque that says it was the first car ever driven by land speed record breaker Barney Goldfield. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped. As you drive by people keep yelling, "Get a horse." Your tires are so thin you can see the air inside them. Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement. Whenever you hit a pothole or speed bump the engine falls out. The total on your last repair bill equaled the GDP of a certain small Asian nation. The 15-Minute Jiffy Lube takes 3 days. The "spark Adjustment" lever broke off and it'll be a pain to find a new one. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club." When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?" Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to. Your "Super-Heterodyne radio" keeps drifting off signal. As you're leaving the parking lot after the County Fair demolition derby a salvage dealer offers you "50 bucks for the carcass." It's been awhile since anyone has used the word "Phaeton" when referring to a body style. Two words: Ford Edsel It might have something to do with that second "Totaled" stamp your insurance adjuster put on the title after your last fender bender. Your 84 year old Mom drives a car that's sportier than yours. While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway. You keep losing dates on left turns. The ash trays are full and we all know what a hassle it is to empty them. The novelty of that hand crank starter is wearing off. The Duct tape you used to replace that right front fender is flagging again. It hasn't been the same since "The" Henry Ford borrowed it. And the number one Reason it's time to get a new Car......... Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
THE ANNIVERSARY A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years'?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." ===== __________________________________
Kids Baptism After a hardy Oklahoma rainstorm filled all the potholes in the back alley, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in a water puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of the head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the younger boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the back yard in a panic. "Why on Earth did you do that to your little brother?" she inquired as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church', Mommy" He said. I was baptizing him like the preacher did in church last Sunday. I said 'I now baptize you in the name of the father, the son, and in-the-hole-he-goes!'"
This is true, just try it!!! Amazing...... Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE EVILS OF BREAD! A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? The following research (Taking at least minutes) should make anyone think twice.... 1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1: No sale of bread to minors. 2: A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5: The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. ..........Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.
Subject: Said It Better Than I could > > > The Ten Commandments display was removed Wednesday from the Alabama > Supreme Court building. > > There was a good reason for the move. > > > > You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal in a building full of Lawyers and > > Politicians without creating a hostile work environment. > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > ---- >> THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "its three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump." ************************
I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!" And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?" What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!" THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
Joke of the Day A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night. "Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman. "My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man. "If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman. "Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire." ************************
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later. ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner! If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
HELLO SPORTS FANS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS: Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." ........................................................... New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." ........................................................... And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." ........................................................... Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." ........................................................... Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." ........................................................... Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) ........................................................... Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." ........................................................... Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." ........................................................... Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." ........................................................... Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." ........................................................... Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) ........................................................... Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" ........................................................... Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." ........................................................... Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin')
Improve your vocaulary Learn a new word each day: Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife. Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \sub-dood'\: a guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official
Fwd: Fw: Sound familiar????? << Small town > > > > > > > > > > Those of us who actually grew up - or spent time - > > > > > in a small town will laugh when we read this. > > > > > > > > > > Those of us who didn't will be in disbelief ... but > > > > > trust me - every one of these are true! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 1) You can name everyone you graduated with. > > > > > > > > > > 2) You know what 4-H is. > > > > > > > > > > 3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel > > > > > pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday, you > > > > > could always tell who was at the party because of > > > > > the scratches on their legs from running through the > > > > > woods when the party was busted (see #6). > > > > > > > > > > 4) You used to "drag" main. > > > > > > > > > > 5) You said the "F" word and your parents knew > > > > > within the hour. > > > > > > > > > > 6) You scheduled parties around the schedule of > > > > > different police officers, since you knew which ones > > > > > would bust you and which ones wouldn't. > > > > > > > > > > 7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the > > > > > store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were > > > > > old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow). > > > > > > > > > > 8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave > > > > > enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out > > > > > into the country and drive on back roads to smoke > > > > > them. > > > > > > > > > > 9) You knew which section of the ditch to look in to > > > > > find the beer your buyer dropped off. > > > > > > > > > > 10) It was cool to date somebody from the > > > > > neighboring town. > > > > > > > > > > 11) The whole school went to the same party after > > > > > graduation > > > > > > > > > > 12) You don't give directions by street names or > > > > > directions by references. Turn by Nelson's house, > > > > > go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and its four houses > > > > > left of the track field. > > > > > > > > > > 13) The golf course had only 9 holes. > > > > > > > > > > 14) You can't help but date a friend's > > > > > ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. > > > > > > > > > > 15) Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads > > > > > and you will never own a dark vehicle for this > > > > > reason. > > > > > > > > > > 16) The town next to you is considered "trashy" or > > > > > "snooty", but is actually just like your town. > > > > > > > > > > 17) You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 > > > > > as the "rich people" > > > > > > > > > > 18) The people in the "big city" dress funny, then > > > > > you pick up the trend 2 years later. > > > > > > > > > > 19) Anyone you want can be found at the local gas > > > > > station or the town bar. > > > > > > > > > > 20) You see at least one friend a week driving a > > > > > tractor through town or one of your friends drives a > > > > > grain truck to school occasionally. > > > > > > > > > > 21) The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the > > > > > summer to get stronger. > > > > > > > > > > 22) Directions are given using THE stop light as a > > > > > reference. > > > > > > > > > > 23) You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 > > > > > people pull over and ask you if you want a ride > > > > > somewhere. > > > > > > > > > > 24) Your teachers call you by your older sibling's > > > > > names. > > > > > > > > > > 25) Your teachers remember when they taught your > > > > > parents. > > > > > > > > > > 26) You can charge at all the local stores or write > > > > > checks without any ID. > > > > > > > > > > 27) The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or > > > > > more). > > > > > > > > > > 28) The closest mall is over an hour away. > > > > > > > > > > 29) It is normal to see an old man riding through > > > > > town on a riding lawn mower. > > > > > > > > > > 30) You've peed in a cornfield. > > > > > > > > > > 31) Most people go by a nickname. > > > > > > > > > > 32) You laugh your backside off reading this because > > > > > you know it is all true and you forward it to > > > > > everyone who lives in your town (because you know > > > > > them all!) > > > > > > > >
A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought it was really funny; hope you enjoy! >After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, > which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered > with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or > correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, > and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form > what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the > gripe sheets before the next flight. > > Never let it be said that maintenance crews and engineers lack a sense >of humor. Here are some actual logged > maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by > Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance > staff. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline > that has never had an accident. > > (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) > (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) > > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. > > P: Something loose in cockpit. > S: Something tightened in cockpit. > > P: Dead bugs on windshield. > S: Live bugs on back-order. > > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute > descent. > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. > S: Evidence removed. > > P: DME volume unbelievably loud. > S: DME volume set to more believable level. > > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. > S: That's what they're there for. > > P: IFF inoperative. > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > > P: Suspected crack in windshield. > S: Suspect you're right. > > P: Number 3 engine missing. > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. > > P: Aircraft handles funny. > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. > > P: Target radar hums. > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > > P: Mouse in cockpit. > S: Cat installed. > > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget > pounding on something with a hammer. > S: Took hammer away from midget. > >>
