Subject: Go Figure! Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment) 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 365.25 days: 1 unicycle 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Bubba was from Mississippi and was a hard-shell > Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race > track.. One day he was there betting on the ponies and > losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out > onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the > horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this > horse - a very long shot -- won the race. > > > Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did > the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step > out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race > lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one > of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and > placed a small bet on the horse. > > > Again, even though another long shot, the horse the > priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his > winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the > priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The > priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and > it > won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest > continued blessing one of the horses, and it always > came in first. > > > Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the > last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to > come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew > big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would > tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, > the priest stepped out onto the track before the last > race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves > of one of the horses. Bubba bet every cent, and > watched the horse come in dead last. > > > He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and > found the priest. He demanded "What happened, Father. > All day you blessed horses and they won. > The last race you blessed a horse and he lost. Now > I've lost my savings, thanks to you". > > > The priest nodded wisely and said "That's the problem > with you Protestants....you can't tell the difference > between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"
Ok...I heard this from Jay Leno: A gang of thugs hijacked a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck. A troup of 10,000 cops showed up for the arrest.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?" ``~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.' " A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher... She's dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want... God is watching the apples. "
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephants tail really hard. Years and years later the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river having a drink with his giraffe buddy when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" The giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason." The elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" Exclaimed the giraffe. "Yep!" Said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner! Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents. - William Coronel
<< The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books > by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would > have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they > were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. > > Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a > new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across > to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. > > The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The > boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them > to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even > start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could > write." > > >> THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied the patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
sales joke A minister concluded that his church was getting into > serious financial troubles. > > Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church > storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles > that had never been opened and distributed. So at his > Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the > congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles > door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed > money for the church. > > Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer > for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned > their living as salesmen and were likely capable of > selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. > Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always > tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by > his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very > badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the > reverend decided to let him try anyway. > > He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their > cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him > and report the results of their door-to-door selling > efforts the following Sunday. > > Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend > immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make > out selling our bibles last week?" > > Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, > "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 > bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the > church." > > "Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking > his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church > is indebted to you." > > Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did > you manage to sell for the church last week?" > > Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently > replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was > happy to give the church the benefit of my sales > expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the > church, and here's $280 I collected." > > The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. > You are truly a professional salesman and the church is > also indebted to you." > > Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and > said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last > week?" > > Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The > reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is > this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in > here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the > church, door to door, in just one week? > > Louie just nodded. > > That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. > "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold > 10 times as many bibles as we could." > > "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I > think you'd better explain how you managed to do > accomplish this, Louie." > > Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't > kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. > > Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, > Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they > answered the door!" > > "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, > "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy > th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks > ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me > t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to > y-y-you?" > """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Spread the Stupidity ....lol Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS. In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS. Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR. Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to.
Subject: CNN In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 50 years." "50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?" "Like I'm talking to a wall."
1.) Bush Serves up more TURKEY!LOL! <--*NEW!!* http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/995 AOL Link 2.) Partridge in a Pear Tree? haha! http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/901 AOL Link >--------- >::::L.::::B. :::::::::::: 59 ::::::::::::>> -------->>
Subject: Funnies Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will".
ordering pizza... ( p i a ) Unfortunately, in the not very distant future. > > Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. > May I have your..." > > Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order." > > Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" > > Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, > hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." > > Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see > you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the > phone number's 494-2366. Your office number > over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and > your cell number's 266-2566. Which number > are you calling from, sir?" > > Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get > all this information?" > > Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir." > > Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a > couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..." > > Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." > > Customer: "Whaddya mean?" > > Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate > that you've got very high blood pressure and > extremely high cholesterol. Your National > Health Care provider won't allow such an > unhealthy choice." > > Customer: "What do you recommend, then?" > > Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean > Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it" > > Customer: "What makes you think I'd like > something like that?" > > Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet > Soybean Recipes' from your local library last > week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." > > Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two > family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?" > > Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your > wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as > you put it, heh. heh, comes $49.99." > > Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card > number." > > Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll > have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance > is over its limit." > > Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get > some cash before your driver gets here." > > Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your > checking account's overdrawn." > > Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. > I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" > > Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll > be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you > might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting > the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can > be a little awkward." > > Customer: "How the he*l do you know I'm riding > a bike?" > > Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your > car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your > Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd > be using it." > > Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!" > > Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. > You've already got a July 2006 conviction for > cussing out a cop." > > Customer: (Speechless) > > Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" > > Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget > the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get > with the pizzas." > > Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary > clause prevents us from offering free soda to > diabetics
Thoughts Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no ! plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'? Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to ! the road the stuff is placed? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men? Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened? If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex? Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food? S! houldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right? Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country." "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction He would have given us more fingers and toes." "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding, "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
