Rules for Citizenship...

Subject: How to live in Ohio

After a lifetime in Ohio, I understand what it takes to be an Ohioan.
Here are written guidelines to assist others:
:
1. Know the state casserole. The State casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo at liftoff.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese, Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density Lipoprotein Festival. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these festivals and at least buy an elephant ear.

3. Know the geography of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Ohio. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.

4. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at any time. We have spring-like days
in January and wintry weekends in October.April is capable of providing a
sampling all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Ohio is
the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

5. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign capital . . .Lima, Milan or Berlin, for example......you must not pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, but LYE-ma as in bean.

6. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its
subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pinebark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.

7. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be knowledgeable on three levels- - professional, college and high school. The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot quarterback at Austin Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom and what he got on his biology quiz last week.

8. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.

9. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let me know. I will bring a green-bean casserole to your house to make amends.


LB 59

 

Where are you now?

 

Gotta Love Ohio

A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to try and find the best college for him. His first stop was at Florida State. When he got there, Bobby Bowden immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone. "Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university." The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick "Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,250. Calling Heaven ain't
cheap." The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. Who would want to live in Florida anyway?

His next stop was Michigan. Upon entering Lloyd Carr's office, Coach Carr immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Lloyd said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $150. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." Again, not having that kind of money, the lad left.

His last stop was in Columbus, Ohio. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Tressel picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung up. The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. From Florida it was going to cost me $1,250. From
Michigan they wanted $150. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Ohio?"

The coach smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a local call."

 

W.Va. has a slogan
Almost heaven West Virginia.
Must because they are on the Ohio border

 

We have a frend that retired about 5 years ago and moved to , Arizona. from here.