Just who is watching you???? I was sitting at a stop light this morning. The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not obey its command - a green light is a commandment - NOT a suggestion! When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up) screaming ..#*$#?! and beating on my steering wheel. My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, gun drawn, tapping on my window. "You can't arrest me for hollering in my own car," I protested, as he ordered me into the back seat of his cruiser. After about two hours in jail, the arresting officer returned and advised me I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this!" The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, 'What a jerk. But there is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car.' Then I noticed the 'Cross' hanging from your rear view mirror, the brand new 'Choose Life' license tag, the bumper sticker - 'Jesus is Coming Soon' , and the Fish symbol, and I thought you must have stolen the car from a Christian! THE END ** *** ** LB 59
Winter Break ------------- The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break. "We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. "That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?" Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio." ============================== The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner! To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother --- I want to marry one who makes dough like her father. ============================================== THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
BREAKFAST A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights." The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?" "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up." "Oh," says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up." =========================================== Exercise for Seniors For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level. """""""""```~ ** *** **~~`` THE `END*********LB 59 ^^^^^^^````````~~~~~
Vendors Stop Shipments to Big Bear Stores http://www.wtap.com/home/headlines/355131.html THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
The Bacon Tree Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days...and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so, " the old man said, "But I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere. The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jewish people -- they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish man. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me." The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy..... vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through. "Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree." "It vuz a ham bush!"
<< A woman goes to war in a man's world By Kirsten Scharnberg Tribune staff reporter May 18, 2003 After learning that I was to be the Tribune's only female embedded journalist, I promised myself never to write the woman-on-the-front-lines story. It just wouldn't be an issue. I would find a way to blend in. I wouldn't be treated differently because I wouldn't let anyone treat me differently. Wrong. I got my first inkling of this on the chilly March night that my unit--the 1st Battalion of the 187th Infantry Regiment-- arrived at Camp New Jersey, one of the rudimentary tent cities that had sprung up in the Kuwaiti desert just a short Humvee ride from Iraq. The 187th, part of the storied 101st Airborne Division, is an infantry rifle unit, which means there are no women in the ranks because U.S. servicewomen are not allowed on the front lines. So it was me and about 800 men standing in the inky desert that night, listening to a gruff first sergeant bellow out the rules. We had been traveling for several days, so I was in a sleepdeprived daze, largely tuning out what was being said. But when talk turned to the showers --really just a few spouts inside a filthy single-wide trailer--my ears perked up. We'll designate a female shower time for the reporter," the first sergeant said. "We'll post a guard for her so she can use the showers privately once a day. I'll let you know the time we decide." I hadn't showered in about four days. I anxiously awaited the announcement of my special shower hour. A day passed with no word. Two days. A week. Finally, I took matters into my own hands and hiked the couple kilometers to another camp where there were female soldiers and thus female shower hours. It was a minor thing, and I actually grew to relish that solitary 5 a.m. hike through the desert haze. But it made me realize how singled out I was, how the littlest things would be the ones to trip me up and cause me to do the very thing I had wanted to avoid: stand out. Once the war started, those moments and circumstances only became more common. Hours after my unit had set out for Iraq, an alert came over the Humvee radio that a surface-to-surface missile had hit near our convoy. It was believed to be a chemical attack, and the voice on the radio shouted for everyone to get into their chemical suits. Everyone jumped out of the vehicles and--because those chemical suits are oppressively hot in the desert heat--first stripped to their underwear before wiggling into them. Except for me. For the next three days I thought I would die from the mistake of putting my chemical suit on over my clothes because I didn't want to stand in my underwear in front of an entire infantry unit in broad daylight. The modesty had to go. Try finding a place to go to the bathroom where no one can see you in the middle of a flat, not-a-tree-or-bush-in-sight expanse of sand. Keep in mind that I had finally used the cover of darkness to shed the clothes underneath my chemical suit, which is a bulky set of interconnected garments that had to be almost entirely removed in order for me to do my business. One day--sick to death of having to pee in front of men I'd later have to attempt to interview with professional grace--I rejoiced to find a little lean-to to dash behind. As I reveled in the first privacy I'd had in weeks, two Apache helicopters flew over so low that I could see the shocked expressions on the pilots' faces. And these were the little dilemmas. I had made a pact with myself that no matter how tired I was or how physically strenuous a mission became, I would never let one of the soldiers lug my rucksack or equipment for me. I wanted them to see me as completely capable of pulling my own weight, as a traveling companion who was not a liability but an equal. One night, hating myself, I broke that rule. It was pitch black and we were taking constant mortar fire at a checkpoint just outside Najaf, the holy Shiite city in central Iraq. I had my rucksack, which weighed well over 70 pounds, my computer and satellite phone, my gas mask container, several bottles of water and some food. I had been bumming rides with military vehicles for a little over a day to get up to the embattled city, and both my computer and phone were out of power, so I had added to my load a battery taken from a blown-out car, hoping that, with some alligator clips and a power inverter, I could charge my equipment. The soldiers I had met up with said I could accompany them into the city--a 4-mile hike. I didn't know whether I could hike 4 feet with all that gear, let alone 4 miles, but we set out. At about mile 2 1/2, I was about to give out. I was contemplating saying something needlessly melodramatic like, "Go ahead, save yourselves," when a soldier asked, "Ma'am, can I carry that battery for you?" All my resolve failed. I handed the battery to the young man--who already was lugging a much heavier load than I was, including a fully loaded M-4 assault weapon that he would be expected to use in case of an attack. The decision nagged at me for days. Not only had I not been able to pull my own weight, I also had potentially put that young soldier at risk. What if he had not been able to aim his weapon effectively had we been ambushed in that wooded expanse of territory approaching Najaf? What if he had fallen on the rough terrain and misfired his weapon, injuring someone? As tough as I think I was out there, as proud as I am to have lived for more than two months in conditions I never dreamed possible, those questions bother me still. Back in Chicago recently, the Tribune had a welcome-home party for a bunch of us who had covered the war. A female editor asked me whether my experience had given me an opinion about putting female soldiers into the infantry and on the front lines. I told her about the car battery and also about the many times I watched big, tough, burly male soldiers nearly collapse during 10-kilometer hikes with rucksacks, ammunition, missiles, radios and machine guns in tow. I'm not qualified to say that no woman could do that job, but I suspect that it would be a rare one who could. I had run a marathon not long before the war and worked out almost every day. I grew up on an Iowa farm where manual labor was part of the bargain. But I had been bested by a car battery, and when I handed my load to that soldier, I admitted that I never could have cut it in the infantry. >>
Click here: A Snowy Winter Day http://www.newfunpages.com/ads/surveys.php3 THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
f You Live Here, You May Pay a Fat Tax Love your Big Macs and fries? If you buy them in New York state, you might soon have to pay a special fatty foods tax. New York State Assemblyman Felix Ortiz (D-Brooklyn) will introduce legislation that would impose a 1 percent sales tax on junk food, much like cigarettes are now taxed. While he's at it, he wants the same tax levied on video games and TV commercials. The money raised would help fight the growing cost of health problems related to obesity. Take this quiz! Which item is fatter? Which one is cheaper? See how much you know about your favorite fast food choices. But get this: Ortiz admitted to The New York Post, "I love Chicken McNuggets." He says he can't resist them. He blames his own battle with the bulge on them. (Ortiz is 5 feet, 7 inches and weighs 180 pounds.) "I am a little heavy," Ortiz confessed to the Post. "It must be the chicken nuggets I eat every day." In case you wondered, a nine-piece serving of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets is 430 calories with 26 grams of fat. Find out McDonald's surprising reaction when a food critic in Italy said the restaurant's burgers taste like rubber and the fries like cardboard. Meanwhile, McDonald's has announced a plan to lure you back. It can be stated in three words: "I'm lovin' it." That's the fast food giant's new advertising slogan that will replace "We love to see you smile." The new slogan will be used in all 100 countries in which McDonald's operates restaurants, reports The Associated Press. Company executives think the slogan is fun, relevant, hip, and compelling--all of which is supposed to get you to order a Big Mac and fries. Drink milk to lose weight? Find out why some researchers say drinking milk and eating yogurt and cheese could help you shed pounds. ==================== I think we all pay fat taxes no matter where we live LOL
The New Librarian ----------------- The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
SUV Drivers' Licenses http://member.compuserve.com/autos/package.jsp?name=autos/suv_license1 THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Trivia Answers -------------- 1) How many times per second does a mosquito beat its wings? - up to 600 2) If the angles of a pentagon are equal, what are they - in degrees? - 108 degrees. Such a pentagon is called a regular pentagon. 3) How many quarts of milk does it take to make one pound of butter? - Almost 10 - 9.86 to be exact. 4) Where in a wine shop will you find coiffes? - On champagne bottles. The coiffe is the metal wire contraption that holds the champagne cork in place. 5) What are the five most frequently consumed fruits in the United States? - The bananas, apples, watermelon, orange and cantelope - in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.
Will Rogers Quotes ------------------ 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither work 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, the rest who have to pee on the electric fence. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
One of the Marines who helped rescue former POW Jessica Lynch tragically died in a car crash on Sunday morning when his car slammed into tree in Greenville, S.C., reports The Associated Press. Josh Daniel Speer, 21, died instantly about 8 a.m. while driving to the home of his fiancee, according to the Greenville County deputy coroner. He was wearing seat belt, but the car turned over several times. Speer joined the Marines immediately following the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. He had only returned home from Iraq Saturday, June 28. Speer was a member of the unit that helped rescue Jessica Lynch, a spokesman for the Marine Corps acknowledged. "I feel very proud," Josh's father, John Speer told AP. "We trained our children to be patriotic and God-honoring people." Josh Speer was the youngest of seven children. Speer's fiancee, Holly Coupe, told AP that he wrote her from Iraq saying, "The first thing I'll do when I get back is put a ring on your finger." She said the two had planned a hiking trip for next Saturday, and she expected him to give her the ring then. "I lost him, but it's the Lord's will," she told AP. "It's hard to accept, but I have to. He has bigger plans for him." THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
U.S. News - Man Wakes, Speaks After 19 Years in Coma July 9, 2003 02:24 PM EDT MOUNTAIN VIEW, Ark. - The words began tumbling out of Terry Wallis - at first just a few nouns and eventually a torrent of phrases. Wallis, who slipped into a coma after a 1984 car accident, spoke last month for the first time in 19 years to the surprise of doctors and the delight of his family. "He started out with 'Mom' and surprised her and then it was 'Pepsi' and then it was 'milk.' And now it's anything he wants to say," Stone County Nursing and Rehabilitation Center social director Alesha Badgley said Tuesday. Angilee Wallis called her son's full return to consciousness a miracle: "I couldn't tell you my first thought, I just fell over on the floor," she said. Terry Wallis, now 39, was riding with a friend in July 1984 when their car left the road and plunged into a creek. Wallis and his friend were found the next day underneath a bridge. The friend was dead and Wallis was comatose. Wallis' daughter, Amber, was born shortly before the accident, but he was unable to communicate directly with her for almost two decades. She is now 19 and her dad has said he wants to walk again, for her. He is a quadriplegic as a result of the crash. "It's been hard dealing with it, it's been hard realizing the man I married can't be there," said Wallis' wife, Sandi. "We all, the whole family, missed out on his company." The silence ended June 12 when Wallis uttered his first word. He was able to talk a little more a day later and has improved ever since. Terry's father, Jerry Wallis, said his son talks almost nonstop now, but it seems as though time stopped for him after the wreck. Terry still believes Ronald Reagan is the president. Terry has asked to speak to his grandmother, who died several years ago, and even recited her phone number - something everyone else in the family had forgotten. "You see, he's still back in 1984," said Jerry Wallis. Terry Wallis was in a deep sleep for three months after the accident, but at times he communicated by blinking or making guttural sounds - especially if he saw something he didn't like. "He wouldn't drive a Chevrolet and when the commercials would come on the TV he'd have a fit. He'd shake his head from one side to the other and give some kind of hollering," Jerry Wallis said. Eighteen years ago, Terry Wallis began shaking his head violently when a doctor told the family that medical bills were running about $125,000 - as if to say the price wasn't acceptable, Jerry Wallis said. Because his improvement was so gradual, doctors did not place a firm date on when Terry emerged from the coma, except to say he had fully emerged when he began speaking, Jerry Wallis said. Perry Wallis, Terry' brother, said the recovery has been a relief. "Just to put it bluntly, it was pure hell to see your brother laying there, not knowing if you'll ever talk to him again," he said. The timing raised eyebrows. "It's kind of peculiar. He wrecked on Friday the 13th and 19 years later he started talking on Friday the 13th," Jerry Wallis said. ------------------------------------------------
http://www.memail.com/fotos/index.htm President Bush turned 57 on Sunday. He sliced his cake in the usual fashion. The wealthiest people in the room got the biggest cuts.
British police charged two men with manslaughter Tuesday following the death of an Oxford University student who was flung from a giant catapult.
