Government Efficiency Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night. So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman. THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Stress Test http://webpages.charter.net/hkirtley/stress/01.htm THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Subject: FW: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ > > > Subject: Voting Records of Arabic/Islamic States > > Listed below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic > States. > > These voting records are recorded in both the US State Department and > United > > Nations' records: > > > > Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time. > > Qatar votes against the United States 67% of the time. > > Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time. > > United Arab Emirates votes against the U. S. 70% of the time. > > Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time. > > Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time. > > Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time. > > Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time. > > Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the! time. > > Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time. > > Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time. > > Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time. > > Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time. > > Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time. > > Lebanon votes against the United States 80% of the time. > > India votes against the United States 81% of the time. > > Syria votes against the United States 84% of the ti! me. > > Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time. > > > > US Foreign Aid to those that hate us: > > > > Egypt, for example, after voting 79% of the time against the United Sta! > > tes, still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid. > > > > Jordan votes 71% against the United States and receives > > $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid. > > > > Pakistan votes 75% against th! e United States receives > > $6,721,000 annually in US Foreign Aid. > > > > India votes 81% against the United States receives > > $ 143,699,000 annually in US Foreign Aid. > > > > In the last year The Taliban terrorized the people of Afghanistan and gave > > safe haven to Osama Bin Laden, they received > > $143,000,000 in US Foreign Aid. > > > > Sudan voted 75% against the United States and received > > $1, 121,000 in US Foreign Aid. (The US State Department stated that the > > Sudanese government is guilty of providing a haven for a variety of > > terrorist groups including Osama Bin Laden's organization, The Egyptian > > Jihad, The Palestinian Islamic Jihad, and Hamas. The Islamic government > has > > also conducted a literal reign of terror against the Christians living in > > the southern part of the country.) > > > > The Palestinian Authority will receive $500 million dollars in US Foreig! > n > > Aid over the next five years(!!!) This happened due to the Oslo > "Agreement" > > of 1993, a deal which was endorsed and avidly supported by now New York > > Senator Hillary Clinton, who was then First Lady. The Clinton > Administration > > sought to establish good relations with terrorist groups despite their > > support of terrorism and anti-Western stances. The Palestinians were seen > on > > ABC News openly celebrating and dancing in the streets at the news of both > > suicide bombings on Sept. 11th. > > Israel, it must be noted, receives three billion in US Foreign Aid. > However, > > for the last five years it has an average record of voting with the United > > States 94% of the time. > > > > There is clearly no incentive for most countries to support the United > > States, as they will receive US Foreign Aid regardless of their stances. > > > > Perhaps it is time for the United States to deny things such as money, > > scientific, technological, medical expertise, and education to nations who > > simply will not assist or protect American interests? Worse yet, your > > Federal dollars go to and support all of the anti-American groups trying > to > > destroy the "American way of life". > > This may still not balance the budget, but it seems a good place to start. > > Send this to all your congress people and have your friends do the same. > > BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD PERSCRIPTION DRUG SUBSIDY FOR SENIORS!!!!!!!!!!!! > >
YEAR OF 1903: This ought to boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1903, one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes. Here are the US statistics for 1903.... The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47). Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home. Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. Canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US. Just think what it will be like in another 100 years from now. It boggles the mind..........
C L O C K http://www.suite101.com/files/mysites/AskAlice/Clock.htm This is so cool. These computer geeks never fail to amaze me! ================================ Atomic Clock >>> Here's a chuckle for you....Have a great weekend >>> Due to budget cuts under the current administration the Atomic Clock run >>> By the Naval Observatory has been drastically changed to reduce >>> expenses. To view the new clock actually working click below. >>> >>> http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html >>> THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb? A: Four: One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?" One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?" Another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" And the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..." Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet. Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix. Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box. Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user. Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed. Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb? A: He holds the bulb in place and lets the world revolve around him. THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """""""""```~~~```'"""""""""
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Subject: UPS ALERT > > > Please pass this around. > > > > > > Government Warning regarding purchase of UPS uniforms: BE > > ALERT!!!! > > > > > > There has been a huge purchase, $32,000 worth, of United > > Parcel > > Service (UPS) uniforms on eBay over the last 30 days. This > > could represent > > a serious threat as bogus drivers can drop off anything to > > anyone > > with deadly consequences! If you have ANY questions when a > > UPS driver appears > > at your door, they should be able to furnish VALID I.D. > > > > > > Additionally, if someone in a UPS uniform comes to make a > > drop off > > or pick up, make absolutely sure they are driving a UPS > > truck. UPS doesn't > > make deliveries or pickups in anything except a company > > vehicle. If you > > have a problem, IMMEDIATELY call your local law enforcement > > agency right > > away! > > > > > TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! Tell everyone in your office, family, > > friends, etc. > > > > > > Make people aware so that we can prepare and/or avoid > > terrorist > > attacks on our people! Thank you for your time in reviewing > > this and PLEASE > > send to EVERYONE on your list, even if they are friend or > > foe. We should > > all be aware! > > > > > Kimberly Bush-Carr > > > Management Program Specialist > > > U.S. Department of Homeland Security > > > Bureau Customs and Border Protection > > > Washington, DC 20229
The Pharmacist A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the photo and slowly nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription."
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Subject: Fw: NOTICE >From the office of political correctness: We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads" or "rag heads." The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. So from now on please call them "little sheet heads". Thank you for your support.
Scenes from the Blackout http://www.flowgo.com/flowgo2_view.cfm?page_id=64657 THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
Click here: CNN.com - Weapons test links 3 West Virginia shootings - Aug. 20, 2003 http://www.cnn.com/2003/US/South/08/20/w.va.shootings/index.html THE END ** *** ** LB 59
Click here: Financial thugs favorite tricks http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/advice/20030620a1.asp THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
Great Idea ............ I just heard on CNN that the average cost for a Nursing Home per day in the USA is $188!! Now, I figure it this way: I can get a real nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65... that leaves $123 for beer, food (room service), laundry, Elvis collectibles, gratuities and clothes. They have a swimming pool, some even have a workout rom (therapy), a lounge, cable (recreation), washer dryer. (If I am too impaired, a child or grandchild [or NEPHEW!!] can pick up my clothes once a week, or they could rotate. That way everyone would only have to do it twice a year.) Most have free toothpaste and razors, but all have free shampoo and soap. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's alright. It takes months to get into some Nursing Homes. There is the Senior bus, the Handicap bus, a Church bus or van, cabs, alert cabs, and in some cities The Duck! You have security, and if someone sees you drop over, I am sure they would call an ambulance (If you break your hip, hopefully the family would be smart enough to sue.) What more could you ask for?! With AARP and other Senior discounts, I could be livin' pretty dern nicely. So when I reach that Golden age, help me keep my grin and just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!
Gotta Love Sheriff Joe. This is great.... A news story from Fox News !!! In Arizona they are having a heat wave now.... hot enough to melt candles, cause dogs to get heat stroke from the pavement.... well the inmates are griping how hot and inhumane it is there.... they live in tents there since the sheriff.... my hero Joe Araphio makes them live in tents and wear pink prison suits.... they gripe how hot and inhumane it is....and his response???? Joe Arphaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, is not sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and the soldiers are living in tents and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your mouths." THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
The recent blackouts put the spotlight on our overly complex, interdependent electric system based on large and aging power plants. To prevent future problems, we need an energy system that increases conservation and efficiency while prioritizing smaller, cleaner and more local sources of power. This will save consumers money, reduce pollution, and reduce the need to ship power from region to region. Energy efficiency is the fastest, cheapest and cleanest way to reduce the strain on our electric system. But instead, the energy industry and its allies want to build more transmission lines and power plants at public expense, and they are calling on Congress to further deregulate the industry in the name of modernizing the system. Tell the governor and state regulators to hold utilities accountable for their stewardship of our electric system; require utilities to maximize efficiency and clean local power before charging ratepayers for new transmission lines; and oppose the energy bill currently before Congress because it takes us in the wrong direction. Then, ask your family and friends to help by forwarding this e-mail to them. To take action, click here or paste this link into your web browser: http://pirg.org/alerts/route.asp?id=313&id4=ES BACKGROUND We are still waiting to hear exactly what triggered the recent blackouts, but one thing is sure: whatever the initial problem was, it was made worse because of our over-reliance on a complex, interdependent electricity grid based on large and aging fossil fuel and nuclear power plants. This was compounded by strains on that system because of our inefficient use of electricity. The energy industry and its allies now, opportunistically, want to build more transmission lines and power plants at public expense and are calling on Congress to further deregulate the industry in the name of modernizing the system. There is no question that our electric grid needs to be updated and, perhaps, some new transmission lines will be needed. But that shouldn't mean more subsidies for business as usual, building more power lines to link to more large dirty power plants, or further deregulation of the industry. To prevent future problems, we need a reliable, affordable and cleaner energy system. Energy efficiency is the fastest, cheapest and cleanest way to reduce the strain on our electric system. We need a nimbler and more resilient system that increases conservation and efficiency while prioritizing smaller, cleaner and more local sources of power. This will save consumers money, reduce pollution and reduce the need to ship power from region to region. We need to tell our state regulators that we will not pay for new transmission lines if utilities do not first use America's technological know-how to increase energy efficiency and conservation, shift to clean, renewable energy sources, and put a premium on clean local power sources with more local control. And we need to demand that our state regulators use their authority to ensure that our state's utilities uphold the public interest as stewards of our electric system, while supporting the development of clear and enforceable rules. Lastly, we need to tell our state officials to oppose the energy bills currently before Congress because they repeal important consumer protections, weaken state authority to regulate utilities, and further our reliance on the current cumbersome system. Please take a moment to ask the governor and state regulators to hold utilities accountable for their stewardship of our electric system; require utilities to maximize efficiency and clean local power before charging ratepayers for new transmission lines; and oppose the energy bill currently before Congress because it takes us in the wrong direction. Then, ask your family and friends to help by forwarding this e-mail to them. To take action, click here or paste this link into your web browser: http://pirg.org/alerts/route.asp?id=313&id4=ES Sincerely, Erin Bowser Ohio PIRG Advocate ErinB@ohiopirg.org http://www.OhioPIRG.org
This really DOES make you sit up and think about your own personal priorities and "issues" and put them into perspective. I sat in my seat of the Boeing 767 waiting for everyone to hurry and stow their carry-ons and grab a seat so we could start what I was sure to be a long , uneventful flight home. With the huge capacity and slow moving people taking their time to stuff luggage far too big for the overhead and never paying much attention to holding up the growing line behind them, I simply shook my head knowing that this flight was not starting out very well. I was anxious to get home to see my loved ones so I was focused on "my" issues and just felt like standing up and yelling for some of these clowns to get their act together. I knew I couldn't say a word so I just thumbed thru the "Sky Mall" magazine from the seat pocket in front of me. You know it's really getting rough when you resort to the over priced, useless sky mall crap to break the monotony. With everyone finally seated, we just sat there with the cabin door open and no one in any hurry to get us going although we were well past the scheduled take off time. No wonder the airline industry is in trouble I told myself. Just then, the attendant came on the intercom to inform us all that we were being delayed. The entire plane let out a collective groan. She resumed speaking to say "We are holding the aircraft for some very special people who are on their way to the plane and the delay shouldn't be more than 5 minutes. The word came after waiting six times as long as we were promised that "I" was finally going to be on my way home. Why the hoopla over "these" folks? I was expecting some celebrity or sport figure to be the reason for the hold up.........Just get their butts in a seat and lets hit the gas I thought. The attendant came back on the speaker to announce in a loud and excited voice that we were being joined by several U. S. Marines returning home from Iraq!!! Just as they walked on board, the entire plane erupted into applause. The men were a bit taken by surprise by the 340 people cheering for them as they searched for their seats. They were having their hands shook and touched by almost everyone who was within an arm's distance of them as they passed down the aisle. One elderly woman kissed the hand of one of the Marines as he passed by her. The applause, whistles and cheering didn't stop for a long time. When we were finally airborne, "I" was not the only civilian checking his conscience as to the delays in "me" getting home, finding my easy chair, a cold beverage and the remote in my hand. These men had done for all of us and I had been complaining silently about "me" and "my" issues. I took for granted the everyday freedoms I enjoy and the conveniences of the American way of life I took for granted others paid the price for my ability to moan and complain about a few minutes delay to "me" those Heroes going home to their loved ones. I attempted to get my selfish outlook back in order and minutes before we landed I suggested to the attendant that she announce over the speaker a request for everyone to remain in their seats until our hero's were allowed to gather their things and be first off the plane. The cheers and applause continued until the last Marine stepped off and we all rose to go about our too often taken for granted everyday freedoms......... I felt proud of them. I felt it an honor and a privilege to be among the first to welcome them home and say Thank You for a job well done. I vowed that I will never forget that flight nor the lesson learned. I can't say it enough, THANK YOU to those Veterans and active servicemen and women who may read this and a prayer for those who cannot because they are no longer with us. GOD BLESS AMERICA! WELCOME HOME! AND THANKS FOR A JOB WELL DONE !!!!!
Ohio Amish Community Shaken by Shooting MOUNT HOPE, Ohio (AP) - It's an annual prank in this tranquil Amish community, where men wear straw hats and women bonnets and plain dresses: Youngsters hide in cornfields and hurl tomatoes at passing cars. http://member.compuserve.com/news/s.../ff/story/0001/20030904/025504407.htm&sc=1110 THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
