"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied the patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." THE END ** *** ** LB 59 """"```--~~~~~~~~~--```'""'''
THE FILLING STATION The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas; just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife had gone. He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warm-up. "Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy. I'll just go" "Not without something hot in your belly." George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh." Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked. "Mister can you help me!" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken." George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away. "But mister. Please help...." The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting. "Here, you can borrow my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good." George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George turned and walked back inside the office. "Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too. That 'ol truck has brand new tires........" George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought. George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on. "Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car. As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me." George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. "Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills.
"You hang in there. I'm going to get you an ambulance." George said, but the phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car." He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area." George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain." George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked. "None for me," said the officer. "Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city." Then George added: "Too bad I ain't got no donuts." The officer laughed and winced at the same time. The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. "Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before. "That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer. "Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt." The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!" The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop. "We got one too many in here now." He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pee shooter away." George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week..." George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes ... but we make it through the best we can." He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out." The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer." "Shut up and drink your coffee." the cop said. George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door ... guns drawn. "Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer. "Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?" "GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man. Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran." George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. "That guy works here," the wounded cop continued. "Yep," George said. "Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job." The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?" Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything." "Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems." George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day." The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. "It means something to you." "And now it means something to you," replied George. "I got my memories. That's all I need." George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours." The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too. Count it as part of your first week's pay." George said. "Now git home to your family." The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. "I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good." "Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after." George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left?" "I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?" "Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides ... I was getting a little chubby." The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor. The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people. That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man." George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man. "Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again." The stranger moved toward the door. "If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned." George watched as the man's old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room. "You see, George, it's My birthday. Merry Christmas."
Obituary December 2, 2003 (The Death of Common Sense) Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled it in her lap, and was awarded a huge cash settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If youstill know him pass this on, if not you can give him a second death.
This is very interesting........ Shoe Bomber Remember the guy who got on a plane with a bomb built into his shoe and tried to light it? Did you know his trial is over? Did you know he was sentenced? Did you see/hear any of the judge's comments on TV/Radio? Didn't think so. Liberal media at work again. Everyone should hear what the judge had to say. Ruling by Judge William Young U.S. District Court Prior to sentencing, the Judge asked the defendant if he had anything to say. His response: After admitting his guilt to the court for the record, Reid also admitted his "allegiance to Osama bin Laden, to Islam, and to the religion of Allah," defiantly stated "I think I ought not apologize for my actions," and told the court "I am at war with your country." Judge Young then delivered the statement quoted below, a stinging condemnation of Reid in particular and terrorists in general. January 30, 2003, United States vs. Reid. Judge Young: "Mr. Richard C. Reid, hearken now to the sentence the Court imposes upon you. On counts 1, 5 and 6 the Court sentences you to life in prison in the custody of the United States Attorney General. On counts 2, 3, 4 and 7, the Court sentences you to 20 years in prison on each count, the sentence on each count to run consecutive with the other. That's 80 years. On count 8 the Court sentences you to the mandatory 30 years consecutive to the 80 years just imposed. The Court imposes upon you each of the eight counts a fine of $250,000 for the aggregate fine of $2 million. The Court accepts the government's recommendation with respect to restitution and orders restitution in the amount of $298.17 to Andre Bousquet and $5,784 to American Airlines. The Court imposes upon you the $800 special assessment. The Court imposes upon you five years supervised release simply because the law requires it. But the life sentences are real life sentences so I need go no further. This is the sentence that is provided for by our statutes. It is a fair and just sentence. It is a righteous sentence. Let me explain this to you. We are not afraid of you or any of your terrorist coconspirators, Mr. Reid. We are Americans. We have been through the fire before. There is all too much war talk here. And I say that to everyone with the utmost respect. Here in this court, where we deal with individuals as individuals, and care for individuals as individuals. As human beings, we reach out for justice. You are not an enemy combatant. You are a terrorist. You are not a soldier in any war. You are a terrorist. To give you that reference, to call you a soldier, gives you far too much stature. Whether it is the officers of government who do it or your attorney who does it, or that happens to be your view, you are a terrorist. And we do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not treat with terrorists. We do not sign documents with terrorists. We hunt them down one by one and bring them to justice. So war talk is way out of line in this court. You are a big fellow. But you are not that big. You're no warrior. I know warriors. You are a terrorist. A species of criminal guilty of multiple attempted murders. In a very real sense, State Trooper Santiago had it right when you first were taken off that plane and into custody and you wondered where the press and where the TV crews were, and he said you're no big deal. You're no big deal. What your counsel, what your able counsel and what the equally able United States attorneys have grappled with and what I have as honestly as I know how tried to grapple with, is why you did something so horrific. What was it that led you here to this courtroom today? I have listened respectfully to what you have to say. And I ask you to search your heart and ask yourself what sort of unfathomable hate led you to do what you are guilty and admit you are guilty of doing. And I have an answer for you. It may not satisfy you. But as I search this entire record, it comes as close to understanding as I know. It seems to me you hate the one thing that is most precious. You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose. Here, in this society, the very winds carry freedom. They carry it everywhere from sea to shining sea. It is because we prize individual freedom so much that you are here in this beautiful courtroom. So that everyone can see, truly see that justice is administered fairly, individually, and discretely. It is for freedom's sake that your lawyers are striving so vigorously on your behalf and have filed appeals, will go on in their representation of you before other judges. We are about it. Because we all know that the way we treat you, Mr. Reid, is the measure of our own liberties. Make no mistake though. It is yet true that we will bare any burden, pay any price, to preserve our freedoms. Look around this courtroom. Mark it well. The world is not going to long remember what you or I say here. Day after tomorrow it will be forgotten. But this, however, will long endure. Here in this courtroom and courtrooms all across America, the American people will gather to see that justice, individual justice, justice, not war, individual justice is in fact being done. The very President of the United States through his officers will have to come into courtrooms and lay out evidence on which specific matters can be judged, and juries of citizens will gather to sit and judge that evidence democratically, to mold and shape and refine our sense of justice. See that flag, Mr. Reid? That's the flag of the United States of America. That flag will fly there long after this is all forgotten. That flag stands for freedom. You know it always will. Custody, Mr. Officer. Stand him down." So, how much of this Judge's comments did we hear on our TV sets? We need more judges like Judge Young, but that's another subject. Pass this around. Everyone should and needs to hear what this fine judge had to say. Powerful words that strike home....
1.) The Ace of Spades Has Been Played http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/972 AOL Link 2.) Good Night Saddam http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/993 AOL Link >--------- >::::L.::::B. :::::::::::: 59 ::::::::::::>> -------->>
A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He excitedly told his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."
How many do you remember??? > > DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? > > > >All the girls had ugly gym uniforms? > > > >It took five minutes for the TV warm up? > >Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school? > > > >Nobody owned a purebred dog? > > > >When a quarter was a decent allowance? > > > >You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny? > > > >Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces? > > > >All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair > >done > >every day and wore high heels? > > > > > >You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without > >asking > > all for free, every time? > >And you didn't pay for air? > >And, you got trading stamps to boot? > > > >Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box? > > > >It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real > >restaurant with your parents? > > > >They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . .and they did? > > > > > >When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber > >or watch submarine races, and people went steady? > > > >No one ever asked where the car keys were > >because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were > >never locked? > > > >Lying on your back! in the grass with your friends > >and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ." > >and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the > >game? > > > >Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no > >one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger? > > > >And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip > >back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of > >today? > > > >When being sent to the principal! 's office was nothing compared to the > >fate > >that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, > >but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. > > > >Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived > >because their love was greater than the threat. > > > >Send this on to someone who can still remember > >Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, > >Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, > >Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk. > > > >As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, > >bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. > >Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"? > > > > > >I am sharing this with you today > >because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. > > > >To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. > >And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know > >better and too young to care. > > > >How many of these do you remember? > > > >Candy cigarettes > >Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside > >Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles > >Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes > >Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum > >Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers > >Newsreels before the movie > >P.F. Fliers > > > >Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601). > >Party lines > > > >Peashooters > >Howdy Doody 45 RPM records > >Green Stamps > >Hi-Fi's > > > >Metal ice cubes trays with levers > >Mimeograph paper > >Beanie and Cecil > >Roller-skate keys > >Cork pop guns > >Drive ins > >Studebakers > > > >Washtub wringers > >The Fuller Brush Man > >Reel-To-Reel tape recorders > >Tinkertoys > >Erector Sets > >The Fort Apache Play Set > >Lincoln Logs > >15 cent McDonald hamburgers > > > >5 cent packs of baseball cards - > >with that awful pink slab of bubble gum > > > >Penny candy > >35 cent a gallon gasoline > >Jiffy Pop popcorn > > > >Do you remember a time when... > > > >Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"? > >Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"? > >"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest? > >Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? > >It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"? > > > >The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"? > >Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot? > >A foot of snow was a dream come true? > > > >Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? > >"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense? > >Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles? > > > >The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? > >War was a card game? > >Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? > >Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? > >Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? > > > >If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!! > > > >Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from > >their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya! > > > >
Warner Brothers sent Groucho a memo saying that they owned the rights to the name "Casablanca," and that they would sue him for copyright infringement. Groucho promptly fired back a memo that said the Marx Brothers had been brothers longer than Warner Brothers, and *they* were countersuing for copyright infringement!" ..
General Hawley's Politically Incorrect Message > > > >This Air Force General should have been a Soldier. What a magnificent and > > >insightful view of what this war on terrorism is actually about. > > > >Please read and pass on as you see fit. > > > >General Hawley, is a newly retired USAF 4 star general. He commanded the > >Air Combat Command [our front-line fighters and bombers] at Langley AFB, > >VA. He is now retired and no longer required to be politically correct. > A > >true patriot! > > > > "Since the attack [9-11], I have seen, heard, and read thoughts of such > >surpassing stupidity that they must be addressed. You've heard them too. > > >Here they are: > > > >1) "We're not good, they're not evil, everything is relative." Listen > >carefully: We're good, they're evil, nothing is relative. Say it with me > >now and free yourselves. You see, folks, saying "We're good" doesn't > mean, > >"We're perfect." Okay? The only perfect being is the bearded guy on the > >ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The plain fact is that our country has, > >with all our mistakes and blunders, always been and always will be the > >greatest beacon of freedom, charity, opportunity, and affection in > history. > > If you need proof, open all the borders on Earth and see what happens. > > > >2) "Violence only leads to more violence." This one is so stupid you > >usually have to be the president of an Ivy League university to say it. > >Here's the truth, which you know in your heads and hearts already: > >Ineffective, unfocused violence leads to more violence. Limp, panicky, > >half measures lead to more violence. However, complete, fully thought > >through, professional, well executed violence never leads to more violence > > >because, you see, afterwards, the other guys are all dead. That's right, > >dead. Not "on trial," not "reeducated," not "nurtured back into the bosom > > >of love." Dead. > > > >3) "The CIA and the rest of our intelligence community have failed us." > >For 25 years we have chained our spies like dogs to a stake in the ground, > > >and now that the house has been robbed, we yell at them for not protecting > > >us. Starting in the late seventies, under Carter appointee Stansfield > >Turner, the giant brains who get these giant ideas decided that the best > >way to gather international intelligence was to use spy satellites. > "After > >all, (they reasoned,) you can see a license plate from 200 miles away." > >This is very helpful if you've been attacked by a license plate. > >Unfortunately, we were attacked by humans. Finding humans is not possible > > >with satellites. You have to use other humans. When we bought all our > >satellites, we fired all our humans, and here's the really stupid part. > It > >takes years, decades to infiltrate new humans into the worst places of the > > >world. You can't just have a guy who looks like Gary Busey in a Spring > >Break '93 sweatshi rt plop himself down in a coffee shop in Kabul and say > >"Hiya, boys. Gee, I sure would like to meet that bin Laden fella. "Well, > > >you can, but all you'd be doing is giving the bad guys a story they'll be > >telling for years. > > > >4) "These people are poor and helpless, and that's why they're angry at > >us." Uh-huh, and Jeffrey Dahmer's frozen head collection was just a > >desperate cry for help. The terrorists and their backers are richer than > >Elton John and, ironically, a good deal less annoying. The poor helpless > >people, you see, are the villagers they tortured and murdered to stay in > >power. Mohammed Atta, one of the evil scumbags who steered those planes > >into the killing grounds is the son of a Cairo surgeon. But you knew > this, > >too. In the sixties and seventies, all the pinheads marching against the > >war were upper-middle-class college kids who grabbed any cause they could > >think of to get out of their final papers and spend more time drinking. > >It's the same today. > > > >5) "Any profiling is racial profiling." Who's killing us here, the > >Norwegians? Just days after the attack, the New York Times had an article > > >saying dozens of extended members of the gazillionaire bin Laden family > >living in America were afraid of reprisals and left in a huff, never to > >return to studying at Harvard and using too much Drakkar. I'm crushed. > >Please come back. Let's all stop singing "We Are the World" for a minute > >and think practically. I don't want to be sitting on the floor in the > back > >of a plane four seconds away from hitting Mt.Rushmore and turn, grinning, > >to the guy next to me to say, "Well, at least we didn't offend them." > > > >SO HERE'S what I resolve for the New Year: Never to forget our murdered > >brothers and sisters. Never to let the relativists get away with their > >immoral thinking. After all, no matter what your daughter's political > >science professor says, we didn't start this. Have you seen that bumper > >sticker that says, "No More Hiroshimas"? I wish I had one that says, "No > >More Pearl Harbors." > > > >THIS NEEDS TO STAY IN CIRCULATION FOR THOSE WHO HAVE OR WILL FALL FOR THE > >STUPIDITY GOING AROUND. PLEASE PASS IT ON! > > ______________________________________
Subject: Globalization Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals..... That, my friends, is Globalization!!
> The Village Idiot > ================= > > Once upon a time there was a village named Egoville hidden away > in the mountains. Now, this village, like most villages, had > their own idiot. His name was Hugh Millety. > > Hugh, the village idiot, was the ridicule of Egoville. > The towns folk would often set him up with silly choices in order > to laugh mercilessly at him when he made the wrong choice. > > "Hugh," they'd say, "would you rather have this shiny new > quarter or this dirty old torn dollar bill?" > > "I'd like the shiny quarter," Hugh would reply. His tormentor > would give him the quarter and walk away laughing, declaring > Hugh a true village idiot. Hugh would just shrug and go about > his business. > > Even though it was a poor village with little opportunity, this > was repeated several times a day by many people. As the years > went by, the ridicule became a ritual that dozens of townies > took part in. The towns folk had little to their names, but at > least they could feel better about themselves in comparison to > the village idiot this way. It was their small comfort in the > lap of poverty. > > Not everyone would make fun of Hugh though. A few felt sorry for > him and gave him hand-me-down clothes, leftover food, and even > an old shack to live in at the edge of town. Hugh lived off of > the handouts of the charitable few. > > One day, Hugh showed up at the village square wearing a brand new > suit. Everyone was amazed, for few people in the town could afford > new clothing, let alone a nice suit. The small village didn't even > have a new clothing store, only a used clothing store. > > One of townsfolk asked Hugh where he got his new suit, thinking > he must have stolen it. He bought it, he told them. And > furthermore he added, the fine new house being built on the > mountainside that everyone was wondering about, that was his. > > When questioned where he got the money, he told them it was the > money they gave him. With people giving him food, clothing, and > shelter, he simply saved and invested everything they gave him. > "I may be your village idiot," he smiled and said, > "but I'm no fool." > > But why then, they asked, did he always take the lesser amount > of money they offered him if he was so cunning? > > Hugh replied that if he had taken the greater amount of money, > they would have stopped offering it to him. He earned his money > by letting them laugh at him, but he knew the first time he took > the greater amount they'd stop offering him money and find > something else to laugh at him about. > > "Now," said Hugh, "I'm the richest person in town and have all > the money I need. I didn't waste money amusing myself at the > expense of someone I falsely perceived to be a lesser person. > And you, all of you, have little more now than you had when you > started ridiculing me. So tell me, who is the village idiot now?" > > Hugh smiled again, then handed out hundred dollar bills to those > who had been kind to him. The townsfolk were shocked. It was > true though, they had frittered away their money a little at a > time, trying to make themselves feel big by comparison to the > village idiot. > > It just goes to show you, if you live in Egoville, take care not > to become the village idiot by your vain perceptions. On the > other hand, if you follow the wisdom of Hugh Millety, you might > just become the richest person in town. > > ~Author Unknown~ > > >
> PALM SUNDAY > > >> It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny > > >> stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, > > >> they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were > for. > > >> "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." > > >> "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, > > >> He shows up!" > > > >> CHILDREN'S SERMON: > > >> One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the > > >> children's sermon. He reached into his bag of props and pulled out an > > >> egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" > > >> "I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!" > > > >> SUPPORT A FAMILY: > > >> The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a > family?" > > >> The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning > > >> to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for > yourselves." > > > >> GRANDMA'S AGE: > > >> Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. > > >> Grandma answered, "39 and holding." > > >> Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, > > >> "and how old would you be if you let go?" > > > >> FIRST TIME USERS: > > >> A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers > > >> passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, > > >> the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five." > > > >> PRAYERS: > > >> The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, > > >> do you say prayers before eating?" > > >> "No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!" > > > >> CLIMB THE WALLS: > > >> "Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his > > >> grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the > > >> trick he has been promising us." > > >> The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. > > >> "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you > > >> came to visit," the little boy answered. > > > >> THE MOOD RING: > > >> My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. > > >> When I'm in a good mood it turns green. > > >> When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead. > > > >> THE WATER PISTOL: > > >> When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his > > >> grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight > > >> and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to > > >> Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how > > >> we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" > > >> Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember." > > > >> LIFE AFTER DEATH: > > >> "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his > employees. > > >> "Yes sir," the new employee replied. > > >> "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. > > >> "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, > > >> she stopped in to see you!" > >
Bounce Dryer Sheets . And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.. spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often. Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season. Eliminates static electricity from your television (or computer) screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling,! wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing. Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will ! magnetically attract all the loose hairs. Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. Keeps them smelling fresh.
This is interesting The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. * * * * * * Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. * * * * * * Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." * * * * * * Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." * * * * * * There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. * * * * * * The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." * * * * * * The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." * * * * * * In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." * * * * * * Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." * * * * * * Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. * * * * * * Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." * * * * * * Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." * * * * * * England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." * * * * * * And that's the truth... Now , whoever said that History was boring ! ! ! ! ! Educate someone...Share these facts with a friend
Subject: High Gas Prices - Not a joke - Please read. I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer. Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work. Please read it and join with us! By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.92 for regular unleaded in my town. Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost! of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50-$1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war. Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't whimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!! I am sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and ! pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! Again, all You have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all. Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK. Kerry Lyle, Director, Research Coordinator Interventional Cardiology Research Laboratories Division of Cardiovascular Diseases 932 Ziegler Research Bldg 703 South 19th Street University of Alabama @ B'ham Birmingham, Al 35294-0007 Phone: (205) 934-6163 Fax: (205) 934-7360
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust > for > his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14. > > Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were > told 17 and under are not admitted. > > The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32! It seems they > want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. > > In Mississippi reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries. > > How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried > tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck. > > Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year > for a million years. > > Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact it > took out the whole trailer park. > > The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40! > > An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got > any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?" > >
From a preacher in California > >As some of you may know, one of my son's serves in the military. He is >still stateside, here in California. He called me yesterday to let me >know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, >everywhere he goes. Telling me how people shake their hands, and thank >them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms >but so that others may have them also. > >But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at >yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several >people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when >she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the U.S.flag lapel pin >the cashier wore on her smock.The cashier reached up and touched the pin, >and said yes, I always wear it. > >The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop >bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. A gentleman >standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's >shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to >the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this >young man have fought and died so that you could stand here, in MY >country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing your countrymen. It is >my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR OWN country we >wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey? if you have now learned how to >speak out so loudly and clearly , I'll gladly pay your way back to Iraq >so you can straighten out the mess you are obviously here to avoid."
Subject: Fw: TAXES Next time a politician says you should be paying higher taxes, ask them which tax are they referring to? Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax Capital Gains Tax Car license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Court Fines(indirect taxes) Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax(FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax(42 cents per gallon) Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Interest expense(tax on the money) Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges(tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties(tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Local Income Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Septic Permit Tax Service Charge Taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage Taxes(Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax Road Toll Booth Taxes School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax(SUTA) Telephone federal excise tax Telephone federal universal service fee tax Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax Telephone state and local tax Telephone usage charge tax Toll Bridge Taxes Toll Tunnel Taxes Traffic Fines(indirect taxation) Trailer registration tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What in the world happened???
