<< Good Ol' Country Wisdom... Don't name a pig you plan to eat. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled Meanness don't happen overnight. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat. Don't corner something meaner than you. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug. You can't unsay a cruel thing. Every path has some puddles. Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
> > HOW TO CALL THE POLICE > > > > George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his >wife > > told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could >see > > from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the >light > > but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. > > > > He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said >no. > > Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply >lock his > > door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," >hung > > up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. > > > > "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in >my > > shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot >them > > all." > > > > Then he hung up. > > > > Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an > > ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police >caught the > > burglars red-handed. > > > > One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot > > them!" > > George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" > > > > >
IT'S A-COMIN' Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Abilene, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Oklahoma City. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Fort Worth for the livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Subject: Senior Citizen Letter I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration, I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election . I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein .
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A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. ----------------------- Headers -----
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up" said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."
A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk. The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed." The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!" The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!" The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!" When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as! big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?" The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!" When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first. The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right. By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, "For gawd's sakes, please don't flush!" **************
Re: Re: Re: *** TidBits *** Just checking, since you said a year hadn't gone by yet. I thought maybe after a year you got more time or something! Now that the weather is getting better, I assume you'll get even more seat time and even less PC time.
Re: Re: Re: Re: *** TidBits *** You guesed it: The tractor has more work lined up for it than I will be able to get done this summer.
