Tips from a patrolman

Ticket to Ride

These tips from a patrolman whoâ??s busted thousands of leadfoots will help you fly safely under Smokeyâ??s radar gun.

Maxim, July 2001

As told to Myatt Murphy

I f youâ??re going to speed, we need to get two things straight. One, youâ??re the guy breaking the lawâ??Iâ??m just a cop doing my job. And two, no matter what youâ??ve heard about quotas, I donâ??t have to take points off your license to earn points with my boss. I just need proof that Iâ??m not sitting on my ass wasting taxpayersâ?? money. To do that all I need is paperwork. Whether I turn in a pile of warnings or a stack of tickets is entirely up to meâ??and you. Now, letâ??s try this again. Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

Run interference
Speeding is kind of like doing the Macarena: Itâ??s always a bad idea, but thereâ??s relative safety in numbers. Traveling in a fast-moving pack means I have to choose between you and a bunch of other guys. Still, I donâ??t always go for the fastest car. If I see you tailgate or change lanes without signaling, Iâ??m going after your reckless ass. Just pick a lane (preferably the middle one) and follow the herd. Trail a fast car, but stay as far back from him as you can. If his taillights suddenly flash because heâ??s braking, chances are heâ??s spotted me. One more thing: If you find a fast-moving big rig, tail it. His trucker buddies will be pointing out speed traps over his CB, plus Iâ??m more inclined to pull over an 18-wheeler, since itâ??s a larger threat.

There are several tricks thatâ??ll keep my radar gun from nailing youâ??but trust me, buying a radar detector isnâ??t one of them. Why? My gun has a range of 1,000 yardsâ??thatâ??s 10 football fieldsâ??so Iâ??ll have you dead to rights long before your piece of RadioShack junk lets you know Iâ??m there. Nope, your best bet is to go low-tech. In many statesâ??the ones where itâ??s legalâ??you can start by removing the license plate on the front of your car; its flat, reflective surface makes it the favorite target of my radar gun. If youâ??re buying a new car, consider one thatâ??s a dark color like hunter green or navy blue. For some reason they play havoc with radar guns. I once caught a black Camaro without front plates doing at least 80 mph, but my radar readings were all over the map. When the judge found out, he dismissed the case.

Sniff me out
Wanna stay out of speed traps? Iâ??m pretty tricky, but there are a few ways to figure out where Iâ??m hiding. First, no matter how fast other cars are going, be sure to keep an eye on the speed limit signs. When one changes, look for me lurking near the next bridge abutment or tight curve. I also like parking at the bottom of hills so I can pop cars careening down. But my best fishing hole is on top of an overpass. From there I can scope cars coming from every direction so cops who are waiting down the highway can pull them over. Gotcha.

If itâ??s raining, however, Iâ??d rather get caught up on my daily reports than get soaked talking to you. Knowing this, you can feel free to do Mach 3 down the highway whenever thereâ??s a torrential downpourâ??if you donâ??t mind hydroplaning into a ditch.

Get on my good side
Like I said, if I pull you over, youâ??re probably getting a piece of paper with my signature on it. You need to convince me to write you a warning and not a ticket. This isnâ??t accomplished by badgering me when you see me write stuff down. Donâ??t worry, the gameâ??s not overâ??all Iâ??m trying to do at that point is take down information. As soon as youâ??re pulled over, turn off the engine, turn on the dome light if itâ??s dark out, and put your hands on the steering wheel. Then sit still. Reaching for your license and registration before I ask for them really puts me on edge. And trust me, you do not want a guy with a gun to be on edge.

Once I start asking you about your infraction, you can try giving me a bizarre excuse. I once let a motorist go when he said he had to get an urn to a funeral on time. Iâ??ve also heard of drivers weaseling out of a ticket after pouring water on their pants and pretending they were trying to make it to a rest stop. Just donâ??t screw it up. One bee-allergic speeder told me he had been distracted trying to kill one that flew into his car. Iâ??d have bought the story (as other cops obviously had) if I hadnâ??t already seen him pull the insectâ??s mummified corpse from the ashtray. I sure did enjoy writing that ticket.

If youâ??re not a betting man, take the conservative route. When I ask if you knew that you were speeding, simply say, â??No, sir.â? Be sincere and apologetic, like you would be if your boss caught you expensing â??gentlemenâ??s escortsâ? after a business trip to Vegas. If you tell me that you did know you were speeding, youâ??re not only admitting guilt but also telling me that you donâ??t respect the lawâ??which Iâ??ve dedicated my life to upholding. Save all the begging, denying, and lying for your girlfriend, because I already have proof of your wrongdoing. And whatever you do, never tell me youâ??re running late. Why? Because Iâ??ll know that letting you go with just a warning is a huge risk, especially since youâ??re really late now.

Sometimes your best bet is to play dumb. If you get pulled over a long way from home, tell me youâ??ve never been in the area. If Iâ??m in a good mood, I may assume you were unaware of the speed limit and let you go. Of course, if you try that excuse on the interstateâ??where you know damn well that the speed limit stays pretty much the sameâ??I wonâ??t let you walk with just a warning. Iâ??ll make you wish youâ??d been walking in the first place.
TELL IT TO THE JUDGE
Got busted anyway? Hereâ??s how to handle your day in court.

Do your homework
Before you even get to court, call the state Department of Transportation to find out if there was a properly certified speed-limit sign near the scene of your (alleged) crime. Itâ??s a long shot, but if the sign is uncertified, cops canâ??t enforce the speed limitâ??and youâ??re off the hook. If that doesnâ??t work, call the prosecutorâ??s office and request a police report and anything else relevant to the case. Also, call the precinct and ask if the cop who stopped you was properly certified on the radar gun. If he wasnâ??t, you may get off.

Dress the part
Wear casual-Friday attire to courtâ??a suit and tie will make you look rich and arrogant, and a â??no fat chicksâ? tank top will show disrespect. But clothes alone wonâ??t gain you sympathy. The game here is to present yourself as a polite, respectful model citizen who couldnâ??t possibly have driven that fast in a clearly marked school zone.

Get a downgrade
If youâ??re guilty, get to the courthouse at least 20 minutes early and ask the prosecutor handling your case to reduce the offense. Offer to pay the fine immediately in exchange for having no points taken off your license; itâ??ll end up saving you big bucks on car insurance. Finally, donâ??t name-drop if you know a cop: Your opportunity to flash a PBA card ended when Officer Smiley said, â??Have a nice dayâ?¦see you in cour.â?â??David Cosgrove

found via Google from Maxim.com