Ring, Ring An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
> We have all had dates . . . but this takes the cake. > > This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was on the > "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. > Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a > woman had ever been on. > > The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely > no question as to why her tale took the prize! > Marilyn said it was midwinter . . . snowing and quite cold . . . and the > guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no > overnight). > They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. > The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home > late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she > gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. > They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the > middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she > did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, > there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her > pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. > They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants > down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good > footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady > herself. > Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed > was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about > was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the > situation. Upon finishing however, she so on became aware of another > sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her > buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues > frozen to ice cube trays immediately came to mind as she attempted to > disengage her flesh from the icy metal. > It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme > cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her > date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, > she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around > the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and > then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She > too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, > they assessed her dilemma. > Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a > real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly > cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! > Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, > both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as > she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants > and pee her butt off the fender. > > As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down..or perhaps that > should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. > > This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off." > > >
