Why Don't you Listen? "It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen." Have you ever Watched A Great Influencer at Work? They use questions to identify and then clarify the key issues from their partner's perspective. They instinctively seem to know the right hot buttons to use to get action. And they often pose their best closing arguments as questions. So how do they always know what to say? Great influencers understand that if you just take the time to listen, most people will tell you what you need to know to change their thinking. Have you ever noticed during a conversation that when people assume they know what you are going to say, they often miss some of your key points? It is no surprise that most people admit they are not great listeners. Very few of us have ever attended a course on listening and the time pressures of the information age tempt us to short cut the listening process and jump to conclusions. But following just a few key steps can improve your listening skills and dramatically lift your ability to influence people. Decide To Improve Listening is like any other skill. If we want to improve we have to make the commitment to work at getting better. Some early results can be dramatic, but long-term improvement will result when we remind ourselves at the start of each conversation to make the extra effort to listen. "When you talk, you repeat what you already know; when you listen, you often learn something." - Jared Sparks Concentrate Listening is not a passive activity. You have to work at it. Our mind can go a lot faster than anyone will speak, so we need to resist the temptation to race ahead. And there are always distractions that tempt us to divide our focus. Noise, passing people, telephones, and even papers on a desk can interrupt our thoughts if we don't concentrate on the speaker. And it is not just what they say or the words they use. We want to identify all the key points and their assumptions. Sometimes what they don't say is our best clue. The good news is that practice will improve your powers of concentration and it will become easier to tune out the distractions. Recognise Our Prejudices A speaker's voice can trigger a negative response if we have set feelings about people who sound like that. If something as simple as voice can turn us off, how long will we maintain our attention when their clothing, grooming, or choice of language, does not reflect our preferences. People may have difficulty changing long established feelings but they certainly cannot modify behaviours if they react unconsciously. What turns you off? How can you step above your attitude to tune in on their message? Suspend Judgment Our first task is to make sure we understand the message. When we get judgmental it interferes with our ability, even willingness, to listen. Judgments lead us to formulating our responses. Once we are working on our side of a debate, it is unlikely that we will collect the complete message. Even if our initial understanding correctly reflects their choice of words, we need to confirm our interpretation of the message. What they said may not truly reflect what they meant. Of course, if attacked, speakers can become defensive and there is a greater willingness to defend their views. To avoid being judgmental we can actively support the speaker. When we smile, repeat key words, nod, and maintain eye contact we can demonstrate our support. But don't interrupt until they have finished speaking. A short pause prior to your response can elicit even more information. These simple rapport-building steps will collect additional information, a better understanding of their reasoning, and even prepare them to accept new information or perspectives. Ask Questions If the worst thing you can do is assume, then the best is to clarify what you think you know. It is not enough to just confirm the words. People use words differently so we need to confirm the principles behind them. The use of questions will demonstrate interest. And intelligent questions are the strongest tools to build rapport. The least they will do is keep you from talking too much. "A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years study of books." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Unless you do all the talking. Just some food for thought and not intended as a commentary on any specific person.
